My Teen Sabotages Everything I Do!

What do we do when our teen sabotages everything that we do? We are told that we need to spend "special time" with our child, preteen, or teenager, but our special time turns into a nasty argument and is anything BUT special. What do we do when they cross their arms, have their hoods over their heads, refuse to make eye contact, and everything out of their mouth is insulting? What do we do when our teen is not only confrontational, but physically aggressive and punches holes in walls when we ask them a simple question? What do we do when we reach out to our teen only to be rejected again and again? What do we do when we really don't want to subject ourselves to further abuse and begin to distance ourselves from our teen? What do we do when the only peace we have in the home is when our teen is away or isolating themselves in their rooms?

 
These are just a few of the scenarios adoptive families often face on a daily basis. It is a hard road to be on day in and day out.  I will be the first to admit that I am not the perfect parent. I have made many mistakes over the years. I've even had moments of telling my teen to simply take a hike. If you don't like it in our family, go ahead and go. See how that works out for you (that was once on a miserable camping trip) with our just turned 18 year old. I've had moments of confrontation that in hindsight, I never should have engaged in. I did not see the warning signs. The blowups seemed to come out of nowhere. On the surface, our teen or child could seem relatively compliant, but behind closed doors, they were a different person. I myself am somewhat of an assertive person (ok...that may be an understatement). I do not take well to being pushed around, so I had a difficult time "backing down" when I felt like I was being manipulated by an angry teenager.


The challenges that families face with adopted teens are complex. Families often seek help in a range of ways, but many of these attempts are unsuccessful. There are many reasons that the outcome is so poor. Partially, we may be seeking help from individuals that have very limited experience and training in adoption, attachment, and trauma. Another reason is simply that we're already on the slippery slide downward. Even if someone with training or experience reaches out to grab our hand, the current is too strong. They can't stop the spiral down. I've been on both sides of this. I've been on that downward spiral. I've also been on the counseling end where I have wished families had gotten help sooner.

I want to encourage families that there is hope! Things may not always or even often go in the direction we had hoped, but God is still in control even within chaos. I know that it can feel like we are in a bottomless pit and there's no way out. There may not be ONE way out of our situation, but there are many strategies that can help. We have adapted to "try" to prevent responding in crisis. We aren't always successful, but overall we do better each and every year. We've tried numerous strategies or interventions. Some have been good and some not so good.

If there is ONE strategy that I would place at the very top of the list, it would be to simply spend TIME with your teen, preteen, or child. I've recommended special time for many years now and some families have jumped on that idea, but made the process way too elaborate. They've taken their teen to the movies or paint balling or camping. Maybe they even had a good time, but nine times out of ten times, a few months go by and the family ceases to do these activities. They were a good idea at the time, but they were too difficult to sustain long term with a busy family. OR....it was a miserable experience and the family doesn't continue because their teen is hateful or argumentative, so the family didn't find "special time" all that special.

I'll admit there has been seasons where special time has not worked in our family. In fact, we're still finding our niche on the mission field and how to coordinate special time with the logistics of living in Haiti. It is so very important though to establish this in a family unit.

Special time or individual time has made such a big impact that I'm really not sure why I didn't incorporate it sooner. I believe we implemented it about 8-10 years ago and have tweaked it over the years. We have done four times a month instead of once a week. This way we have a little slush time. These are the times where our kids will talk to us about their adoption, talk about what's bugging them, complain about their life, share their feelings and frustrations, and just be there with us during some tough moments in their lives.

The way we do special time really makes or breaks this strategy. Here's a few things we've learned over the years.

I have a calendar and put their names on the bottom with four boxes after their names. I also put my name, my husband's name, and our names together for date night on the calendar. I want the kids to see that we are also important to ourselves and our time together is valued.

There are only three rules to Special Time that are key to success with this strategy:

1. Anywhere you want to go. This is really the main point with special time. We are placing the control back in the hands of our teen. They choose where you go and the parent is along for the ride. This is because so many clients would say to me that the parents "have to" spend time with them and don't really want to do what they want to do. I will say though that there is no "opt out" option in our family. If the teen is grumpy and doesn't care and doesn't want to go anywhere and flat out refuses to pick a place to go, they can then roam around in the grocery store with me for an hour. Usually they will pick something, but not always.

2. We're there and back within an hour (or 20 minutes for younger kids). This element limits the choices that the teen has. It has to take an hour or less. We did this for a few reasons. One is that we have 14 kids, but I think we probably only had 8 or so when we started this. Time though was a consideration when I set the guidelines for our special time. Another factor was to always end on a good note. Often parents stay too long at the party. The longer the outing, the more likely it is to begin to turn into a nightmare. We have also found that shorter time with more frequency and consistency is more effective. Our teens have to be able to count on special time. The longer it is, the less likely it is that we will be able to squeeze the time out of our day/week/or month for many seasons in our lives.

3. It doesn't cost any money. This is also very strategic. As soon as we place $$ on an outing, the special time becomes about the activity or event. So many teenage clients of mine would say that their parents just want to buy them stuff or will take them to the store to shop. The teen feels like they are being paid off to be compliant. The parent may just want to buy them some clothes and have a good time with them, but the teen rarely sees it that way. We want the focus to not be on the event or what we are doing or providing them with.

There are also some key Tips that come with Special Time:

Give them the Pen Have them mark down on the calendar themselves. This may seem inconsequential, but it is a key element. Have them literally mark it off on the calendar. This is the same concept as what we would do if we were memorizing something. We may write a spelling word over and over again in order to learn it. Writing it down can increase the ability of our brain to absorb the information. Many teens say to me that their parents NEVER spend any time with them, but the parents do in fact spend all kinds of time with them. They spend hours upon hours a week with their teen, but it's not designated as special time and it doesn't really sink in as time that they are "together" with the parent. This concept also shows our teen a past, a present, and a future. For kids from hard places, this generally lowers anxiety.

Marking things down and spending individual time with EVERYBODY is also huge in addressing jealousy that may be seen in the home. I'm the first to admit to my kids that life isn't fair. BUT....this gives them one piece of fair in a very unfair and harsh world. Our kids have been hurt deeply over the years and they have become conditioned that life will let them down and people will let them down. There is no consistent future for them. Maybe tomorrow the police car will drive up and take them to a new home (in their mind). We have to find strategies that show our teen the consistency of next week and next month (even if they were adopted as a baby). I have even had adult kids say to me, "How come my name isn't on the calendar anymore?" They want to spend time together. They certainly did not originally or at seasons in their lives, but we've set a consistency that they not only begin to rely on, but begin to look forward to.




Place It in the Open Have our special time list out where everyone can see it. Hopefully place it where we walk by it numerous times every day. Again, this may seem obvious, but unless we are continually reminded, our good intentions may be pushed to the sidelines. Unless I see the calendar, mark off the times, and consciously calculate out when I will squeeze the time into the week, I will not do it. This means I have to put close to 20 hours a week aside for "special time". Some Saturdays I would simply take one person, then the next, then the next. The last week of every month is often busy because I'm "catching" up on special time. This is not always the case, but there is a commitment to follow through on what we have committed to.

Make it Flexible Another reason I do not have certain days for "special time" has to do with a hectic schedule (which most of us have). If we plan every Monday, inevitable something conflicts on a Monday and their special time goes away. If it is flexible, we can simply say, "Hey, I have an hour. Who wants to go on special time?" I always hear "me, me me" but will then look at the calendar and say "someone who only has gone twice so far" or whatever the scenario is. This special time also incorporates everyone in the family. We are not singling out the troubled kids or the adopted kids because we are trying to "fix" them or bond with them. These are some of the thoughts that teens have expressed in my office. Their parents want to "fix" them and they are offended by that thought process. With this format, we are simply spending individual time with each person in the family. It gives everyone a format of individual time where they can choose to share their thoughts and/or feelings or simply just be with us without sharing anything at all.

SELF Talk Our temptation is to spit out a bunch of words to our teen. Maybe we want to try to draw them into a conversation or maybe we simply want to understand why they continue to do various things. We want to help them. We may think we have this prime opportunity to pick their brain or share our incredible wisdom. Don't do it! Keep telling yourself not to do it. Do more self talk internally than external talk that is not even being heard by your teen. If you have to spend the whole hour internally telling yourself (or trying to convince yourself) that you like your teen, that's ok. It is more important than the words they are not going to hear coming of your mouth anyway. Maybe you don't like anything about your teen and it takes everything in you to refrain from telling them how unhappy you are about their behavior or how you wish they would be invested in their wellbeing. If this is the case, spend the hour reframing your thought process. Only allow yourself to think positive things about your teen during that hour. Do not allow yourself to think positive things on what you hope they will do or how you pray for them to change.  Focus on the now for that hour and find what is good about them even if nothing changes. You'll have plenty of time the rest of the day to think about all the things you wish were different in your lives.

There has been times when the only positive thing I could think of was hmm....I like that shirt they have on, but then my mind would drift to....and there's dirt all over it, and they have it on backwards, and didn't I tell them to put that shirt in the wash?  I would really have to concentrate on not letting my mind go down a negative spiral. This may be hard for non-adoptive parents to understand. It is unfathomable that you can have nothing good to say or feel about your child or teen. They have not lived with your child or teen to understand how easy it is to get in a downward spiral. They are not staring at your child everyday and the look of hatred on their face. When you are battling against destruction every moment of every day, liking the teen is nearly impossible. This is HARD work! In fact,  it is probably easier to think kind thoughts about an angry teen than to think good thoughts about an unresponsive teen that just sits with his hood up, arms crossed, uses one word answers, glares at you like they wish you were dead, etc. It is incredibly difficult to be around a grumpy person all the time.

Allow your teen to talk to you or be willing to sit in silence (not angry silence, but peaceful silence). Be kind, be polite, be responsive, but let them lead the conversation. Do not allow their mood to impact your mood. Generally after 2-4 times, teens will talk. I will often hear teens planning what they are going to say weeks in advance to their parents. They know they will have opportunity and they can formulate their thoughts in advance. These are the times when my teens have talked about their birth families, their heartbreaks, their internal struggles, and about all the pain they have been through.

Regulate Yourself Be happy and content with yourself during this time. Focus on your own breathing and your own attitude. Model appropriate behavior. Often we are inadvertently responding to our child's discontent or anger. We may not even realize the tension we are experiencing each moment of every day. Remember that whatever we are feeling, our teen is likely feeling times 100. If we are annoyed, multiple that and realize they are feeling that way. If we are sad or angry or scared, that is what they are feeling. Push those feelings aside for an hour one time a week. Focus on the tension in our shoulders, the expression on our face, the bite to our response. Consciously be HAPPY! Do not worry about solving the world's problems or your teens problems in that hour. Look around. See the sky. Watch the birds. Be happy in simply breathing in and out.

We likely have become a person that has lost the ability to find happiness in the simple day to day things. We are consumed by our teen and the negative attitude. We begin to expect the worst because we have been conditioned to respond that way. We begin to protect ourselves. If our teen continually lies to us, we begin to expect lies. If they continually steal, we begin to not trust them. In turn, we guard our heart and inadvertently label them as a liar and a thief. It's ok. It's normal. Of course we protect ourselves, but begin to turn around this thought process in that one hour each week.

Special Time is a GIFT This is one thing that will NEVER be revoked or taken away. Spending time with your teen is never based on behavior. You can't earn more of it (at least not on the calendar in this format) and you can't sabotage your way out of it. In fact, I deliberately take my kids/teens on special time after they have done something I am unhappy about. There's a couple reasons that I do this. One is that it helps me to separate the actions from the person. Maybe I want to give the teen a piece of my mind about stealing or lying or whatever else they did. It helps me to practice putting the behavior aside and focusing on the person. The consequence for whatever it is they did will still stand, but it won't be discussed during special time. Because special time is already outlined, taking them is not a reward for their behavior either. Another reason that I try to take them soon after they've done something "bad" is because I don't want to reinforce the belief that they are inherently bad. Many teens that I work with believe that underneath, they were bad and therefore they were adopted. They may have even been adopted as an infant and still hold this belief. With special time, I am trying to reinforce that just because you may do bad things, does not mean you are a bad person.
                                                                                                                               
Put Electronics Away Toss your phone and your teen's phone and/or iPod in the glove box. Leave them there for the entire hour. Even if they just sit there with their arms crossed, the hood over their head, and blankly staring out the window, it's ok. Don't try to force a conversation or compliance with them looking at you. Generally after a couple of times, the teen will loosen up and begin to engage in conversation. Think about Good Will Hunting. As a mental health professional, there are many aspects of that movie that are really inappropriate and it certainly does not present good mental health practice, but there is something to be said for how Robin Williams waited things out. He simply sat there for a couple sessions instead of trying to drag out superficial stuff from Matt Damon. He wanted the investment and for him to engage vs. the other way around. Remember control with our kids. If they feel like they are not in control, you have limited success. We need to be able to create environments where they feel in control. We need to create an atmosphere where they know we will not give up on or abandon them regardless of how much they try to push us away.

"What do you think? If a man has a hundred sheep, 

and one of them has gone astray, does he not leave the ninety-nine 

on the mountain and go in search of the one that went astray? 

And if he finds it, truly, I say to you, he rejoices over it more than over the 

ninety-nine that never went astray. So it is not the will of my Father who is in 

heaven that one of these little ones should perish" ~Matthew 18:12-14

 *In the future, these posts will be placed on our other blog www.adoptioncounseling.blogspot.com



                                                                                                                                                               

Guilt & Shame Seen in Adoption

With me, I know guilt and shame has been a big battle in our adoptions. I severely underestimated this element. Keep in mind that the core issues in adoption (control, guilt/shame, loss, identity, intimacy, grief, rejection/abandonment) affect not only our adopted children, but also us as adoptive parents, and the birthparents of our children.

Guilt

Over twenty years ago, we felt called to adopt. We certainly were not ashamed of that, nor did we feel guilty about it. There may have been some not so nice comments about what it may do to our other children and whether it was fair to sacrifice for the purpose of adoption, but I honestly just blew off those comments. It was not a sacrifice to adopt. Yes, our first adoption cost more then our annual income, but we were on fire for the Lord and knew without a doubt that we were walking with the Lord in the direction He was calling us. Never once did it feel like a sacrifice until.....

The small sacrifices began to add up and add up and the degree of trauma had to be dealt with on a daily basis. Guilt began to seep in and shame came hand in hand. When our daughter was diagnosed with a blood borne disease we began to be treated differently. When we adopted more and more special needs children, the treatment began to change as well. And adopting a black child (regardless of the fact that we had adopted transracially) brought forward new challenges. We began to respond not so much in shame, but in a fear of response based on treatment by others. I was honestly unaware of the underlying core issue of guilt for many years.

Slowly and surely, elements of guilt began to plague us.  I had to continually tell myself that these things I was feeling "guilty" about were superficial things. Just things like not being able to take X number of kids somewhere because it would cost a small fortune.  It was different when we had 2 or 3 kids. The larger our family got, the more we cut expenses in order to afford so many children. I  remember standing in the butter isle at the grocery store distraught around the holidays because I wanted to buy butter instead of margarine, but we couldn't afford it. That was a pretty minor thing looking back, but it hurt nonetheless and added to the feeling of guilt.

I also remember just four years ago experiencing once again a distinct feeling of shame at Sonrise Church. I was about the only English speaking person in line for free food at a church where they have a food panty. I felt a little bit out of place. It was a humbling experience. There was an amazing person that would oversee their program. I wish I remembered her name... Anyway....she checked me in one day and as I was filling out all the information, she made some comment on us having so many children, and I burst into tears.

For me, to be emotional was shocking because I'm not a person to wear my heart on my sleeve.  I'm sure hormones contributed. Our daughter was born three months early and spent two months in the NICU. She proceeded to need heart surgery and the reason we were getting the "free food" was because we had a 28K hospital bill above and beyond what our insurance would pay and above and beyond the 20K we had already put into that particular adoption experience. In that moment, I didn't feel guilty. I simply felt really, really sad. I do not regret our adoptions, but there is grief over some of the details that have come with the adoption experience.

There have been moments that I have felt guilty for the financial sacrifice on the entire family unit. All of our children joined our family privately or internationally and it has been an expensive process in so many ways. But....so many people have gathered around and supported us. We even went to our mailbox one day when our other daughter was rushed to the hospital to remove her kidney due to a tumor and discovered close to 2K in cash. There's just been blessing upon blessing with this whole process. Our oldest son would joke that we were the local charity because there would be bread at the door when we arrived home. It's been a relatively common occurrence for people to think we're an orphanage. After all, we drove a bus around town and have a HUGE family.

But...the biggest guilt factor has been the baggage/trauma that we've inadvertently exposed our other children to. It is not something we originally raised our hand for. I don't think anyone in their right mind would raise their hand for this junk. I think people are often raising their hands for adoption, but not realizing what they are getting into. In fact, sexual abuse in particular was one of the items we considered ourselves "not up for" before beginning the adoption process. I realize now, it was naive to go into the adoption process without being prepared for this element. The vast majority of children coming out of orphanages have a sexual abuse history. The vast majority of children in foster care have the same element. Many, many toddlers and very young children also have this history.

On one hand, I believe bringing in this degree of trauma has made our entire family unit stronger. We have all learned skills in working with kids from hard places and it has strengthened our compassion for others. It has also protected our kids in some ways from abuse by others. Abuse does not only come through adoption. A high percentage of individuals, just in the general population, have an abuse history on some level. This fact alone impacts how adoptive parents respond to the trauma elements of our children. The adoptive parents themselves may likely have an abuse history. If there is one thing I would advise, it would be to start taking a really close look at ourselves and our own history.

On a positive side, our kids have, by necessity, been educated on grooming behaviors, the need for appropriate boundaries, recognizing predatory behavior, and a range of other things in order to protect themselves. On the other hand, I'm sad that they've had to grow up quickly. They've learned some tough things that no children should ever really have to learn.

Don't get me wrong, we don't have imminent danger in our home currently and we actually have not been in that place for many years now. There was a VERY tough season in our lives many years ago and I honestly pray that we never go back to that place, but it has shaped the way we operate our entire family unit. Our kids do not play in bedrooms together. Actually, no two children are alone together in our home at anytime. They all do activities in the living room out in the open. We have schedules and rotations on where people are at in the home. If someone wants private time/alone time, that is scheduled and we need to know about it. Basically, kids do not just walk off to their room or even just walk off to the bathroom. The girls' bedrooms are on one floor and the boys are on another. The girls and boys have separate bathrooms, etc. There are just logistics (house guidelines) that we have changed in order to have a firm safety plan in our home. I wish I had taken these precautions 15-20 years ago, but I did not realize the risks we had in the home. Thankfully, it became apparent before anyone was seriously harmed, but there were so many scary years during that time frame.

I look at our youngest and I am so incredibly thankful that she has not experienced what our older kids experienced. Many years ago, we lived in crisis management. We have since adopted children with even more significant issues, but it has not been nearly as traumatic simply because we've been more prepared with a strategy in place.

Understanding the core issue of guilt and shame has been helpful in this process. Not only do we experience guilt and shame, but our children that have joined our family through adoption also feel a tremendous amount of guilt and shame. This can display in a whole range of ways.

Ways to lessen guilt and shame in your teen:

Find ways to connect with your teen. I know this is much easier said then done, but I cannot emphasize this element enough. At one time we had seven kids under 12 years old and I thought that was time consuming. I have memories of pushing a cart in the grocery store with a baby in the cart and three on each side holding on. Those moments were nothing compared to parenting teenagers. We now have 6 teenagers (and a bunch of older kids and younger kids) and our time together is much more complex then simply pushing a grocery cart in the store. I can't ask them to simply "hold on" while I move along. They are not a captive audience. Teens are at a stage of development where they are breaking away from parents and establishing their own identity.  Individual time with your teen or child is essential in this process.

Acknowledge the reality of adoption. Look at some of the tough things that adoption has brought into your lives and acknowledge the reality. That doesn't mean I believe we should live there, but don't be afraid to step in the mud and swim around for a while. I relate working though core issues in adoption as going to those expensive spas I have never been to. People pay big bucks to have mud smeared all over them and apparently then they come out on the other side "better" then what they were before. I think this is true with our kids that come from hard places as well. We have to schedule our mud spa time where we will delve into some messy core issues such as our child's past, our past, and really look at how it has affected us. Many teens (or even most in my experience) feel shame surrounding the circumstances of their birth. They may feel guilty because they "should" feel happy~ after all, they were chosen. Allow your teen to feel sad. Just because adoption was a happy experience for us (at least initially), does not mean it was a happy experience for our child.

Initiate conversations about birth parents. I mentioned this in the last post and I'll mention it again in regard to guilt and shame. They may feel guilty for wanting a relationship with their biological family. There is so much guilt that teens express in my office revolving around questions about their birth family.  They may have been a baby when they were adopted, but have an underlying belief that if only they were a better baby and didn't cry as much, maybe they would not have been adopted.

They may swing between wishing they were never adopted to being very thankful for their adoption. They may understand logically the reasons surrounding their adoption, but still feel like they really don't understand why this happened to them. They may very likely say that they are just fine with their adoption. They may also say that they never think about their birth family and do not want to talk about their birthmother. BUT....Many teens hold a common belief that something is intrinsically wrong with them that caused them to be placed for adoption. This belief is intertwined with thoughts of the birthfamily.

Be sensitive of your teens possible need to connect with their past. I remember years ago helping out with Chinese heritage camps. One of the coordinators wanted to do an adult adoptee panel and they were looking for a participant (adult adoptee) that was doing well in life and had not done a homeland tour or search. I connected them with a person that I had grown up with that had been adopted from Korea as a toddler. She was doing very well in life. She did well throughout high school. She graduated with honors. She went on to college. She had a successful career. She had married a nice guy. She had a good relationship with her adoptive parents. There really was no "drama" to be seen in her life. She was on the surface a perfect adoption story. She stated she was completely content and had no interest in doing a "search" for her family or to even go to Korea to visit, but yes she would be happy to share about her amazing adoption experience. I thought she would be a good balance to the other participants that had chosen to search and did express turmoil surrounding their adoption. Keep in mind, just because your teen does not express a need to connect with their past, does not mean they aren't thinking about it.

Listen to adult adoptee panels. Learn from them. What my friend thought she would express to adoptive parents and what she ended up expressing were two entirely different things. She had basically always told herself that she was happy and thankful to be adopted. She had never allowed herself to go to the grief, to the shame, or to the pain that was involved in adoption. The core elements of adoptions continued to eat away at her, unbeknownst to her friends or family. One interesting element when listening to adult adoptee panels is we will often hear very similar thoughts and feelings from adult adoptees regardless of whether they were adopted at birth, at 2 years old, 10 years old, or at 16. The core elements are there regardless of the age of their adoption.


I see many clients that are 20 years old, 30 years old, 40 years old, or even 60+ years old that come to me because they finally begin to realize that adoption is a piece of what is going on in their lives. They begin to see the impact of adoption on their relationships. They realize adoption has affected their interaction with others.  Basically, there is a degree of unrest in their lives and they want to change that fact.

Know the core issues in adoption and discuss them with your teen. Maybe your teen will say, none of these things matter to them. They may believe this to be true in the moment. On the other hand, that same adult that was on the panel did an interview with her adoptive parents. The parents said, "We tried to talk about her heritage and talk about her history, but she wasn't interested, so we didn't push" After all, she seemed to adjust just fine in life. This is a common response. The adult adoptees response is often, but I was a child or a teen. Of course I said it didn't matter. I didn't know how to talk about what I was feeling. I didn't even know why I was feeling the way I was feeling.

Allow a format to talk. I'll talk a little more about "special time" and how to outline it in a future post. But, for now I will say that we often are not allowing undivided time to talk to our teens. Many clients will say to me that their parents never spend time with them or talk to them. The parents on the other hand will say they spend all kinds of time with them and the teenager doesn't want to spend time with them. The parents take the teen to events or to all kinds of sports of activities. They may have one or two kids and spend hours alone with them in the car, but the teen does not view that time as spending time with them. Teens will basically say to me, "Yes, but they have to take me to that event or they had to take me shopping or they just want to buy me stuff or they don't really want to spend time with me". What we are doing and what our teen interprets as the reasons for what we are doing may be two different things. This why the way we outline our special time is so important. More on this in the near future.......

What ways do address guilt and shame in your adoption? Do you as a parent ever feel a sense of guilt? Do you have strategies that help lessen guilt and shame in your child? Please feel free to comment and share your experiences as well! I hope that we can all learn from each other on this incredible journey of adoption.

These trials will show that your faith is genuine. 

It is being tested as fire tests and purifies gold--

though your faith is far more precious than mere gold. 

So when your faith remains strong through many trials, 

it will bring you much praise and glory and honor on the day 

when Jesus Christ is revealed to the whole world. 

~1 Peter 1:7