For All the Parents Struggling…..Especially Adoptive Families

Take heart. God is not done with us yet.

This is a difficult journey. There is no doubt about that. There will be moments of peace, but those moments may be few and far between. There may be days, weeks, months, or even years where we barely make it through. Grab onto those Kodak moments. Plaster them on your refrigerator, your desktop, your cell phone, your car dash, anywhere and everywhere you look in order to remind yourself of the good times.

Don’t look too deeply at the photos or you will begin to remember the drama mixed in with that moment (like right after the picture they then proceeded to do this or that). Try to look at your child throughout the day and see something that you like about them. Continue to turn your mind back to those simple things when your mind drifts to all the challenges you are facing.

Hide God’s word in your heart and remember that the Lord has not abandoned you OR your child. One of my grown children mentioned some quote from Lecrae on his facebook page. It was something along the lines that God is the ultimate parent, but even He has children that go astray. Don’t be too hard on yourself. We cannot control everything or even most things. Our child’s behavior is a reflection of many things, but not solely or even predominantly a reflection of our parenting.

Yes, we should continue to learn, continue to adapt, continue to develop a parenting strategy that promotes our child’s healing, but ultimately we must be able to give up control. Even if we do everything “right”, our child is responsible for whether or not they choose to accept the Lord and follow His path in their lives. We can lay the foundation, but God has given each of us free choice. We cannot choose eternal Life for our children. Pray without ceasing and gather prayer warriors around you.

God is not done with us yet!

“Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you”  Deuteronomy 31:6

Many Blessings Along the Way.....

So many blessings along the way that I want to name a few:

1. Peace in the Family

Believe me, this has not always been the case. There has been some road trips where we have had meltdowns upon melt downs. The kids have actually ALL done very well on this trip. Just having them sit for hours upon hours in this really hot box going down the road without huge conflict is a blessing! 

2. Fellowship with Friends & Family

It's been a tremendous blessing to visit with friends and amazing prayer warriors in Washington, Canada, Montana, Iowa, Illinois, Indiana, Michigan, Pennsylvania, Maryland, Washington DC, North Carolina, South Carolina, Tennessee, and Louisiana (so far!!)

3. Meeting new People

We've met some amazing new friends and prayer warriors specifically in Iowa, North Carolina, South Carolina, Tennessee, and Louisiana. We look forward to meeting new people along the way and deepening our relationship with those that we have encountered on this incredible journey

4. Prayer and Financial Support

It is humbling to see the outpouring of support from $10 to $1500 that we have received from individual people. The support seems to always come from the least expected places. 1 Peter 5:6-7 And God will exalt you in due time, if you humble yourselves under his mighty hand by casting all your cares on him because he cares for you. Thank you, thank you, thank you to each and every one of you that has helped along the way with repairs to the RV, meals, clothes for the kids, and financial contributions that allow us to continue to serve the Lord in Haiti as well as provides provisions for our family! 

5. Blessings from the Lord

We are so thankful to be called to serve in this capacity. When I look around at all of our kids and see the many blessings surrounding us, I feel incredibly thankful for what the Lord has entrusted in our care. There are times when it can feel overwhelming, but the vast majority of the time, we are in awe of the miracles and provisions we have seen in our lives and in our family. Simply being given the ability to drive across the country with clothes on our backs and food in our bellies is a blessing. We already have return plane tickets back home to Haiti. We do not know how it will all work out. We so far only have enough funding for two months living expenses in Haiti, but that is so crazy to even worry about when the masses in Haiti do not have enough food for the next meal, let alone the next day, week, or month or two! 

Matthew 6:25-34 “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink, or about your body, what you will wear. Isn’t there more to life than food and more to the body than clothing? 26 Look at the birds in the sky: They do not sow, or reap, or gather into barns, yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Aren’t you more valuable than they are? 27 And which of you by worrying can add even one hour to his life? 28 Why do you worry about clothing? Think about how the flowers of the field grow; they do not work or spin. 29 Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his glory was clothed like one of these! 30 And if this is how God clothes the wild grass, which is here today and tomorrow is tossed into the fire to heat the oven, won’t he clothe you even more, you people of little faith? 31 So then, don’t worry saying, ‘What will we eat?’ or ‘What will we drink?’ or ‘What will we wear?’ 32 For the unconverted pursue these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33 But above all pursue his kingdom and righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34 So then, do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Today has enough trouble of its own.

Adventures with Soy Sauce

This trip has been interesting. It’s one of those things that you hope to remember fondly in the future. There have been many joyful moments along the way as well as quite a few challenging times. We have many experiences like that. Some of our most miserable moments are ones that we laugh about now- like the time we drove through the Mojave Desert in the afternoon with no air conditioning. The van was overheating, so I had the heat on full blast to draw the heat away from the engine. That van had literally two windows that only cracked open, so there was no air circulating in the back. It was just me with 8 kids that were mostly under 12 years old.

Cars were alongside the highway with their hoods open. You could see the heatwaves drifting across the highway. It was beyond miserable! Talitha was a toddler strapped in a car seat screaming and crying for me to turn the air on.  All I could think of was we needed to get out of the desert without breaking down. The kids each had their little bowls and spoons since we were traveling across country and eating out of a cooler mostly. When the begging, crying, and pleading didn’t work, Talitha proceeded to take her spoon and chuck it towards me, at which point it hit me alongside the head and flew out the window. Then she flailed her arms and scratched her sister Maliya across the face. I believe she still has a scar over the whole event.  I proceeded to stop the van and move her (and her car seat) to the backseat. You could literally watch the temperature gauge rising when the van stopped. We needed to keep moving or we were likely going to be stuck alongside the highway.

The whole thing was basically a dumb idea or I guess you could say really poor planning. I don’t know what I was thinking. We had left my cousin’s in San Francisco and were going to stop in Arizona to see Ron’s sister and her family. I thought it would be nice to drive over Hoover dam after driving through and seeing the lights in Las Vegas. I don’t know why I thought that was a good idea. I also don’t know why I didn’t think about that stretch of highway getting from Bakersfield to Las Vegas. It is about the hottest place on earth at two in the afternoon in the middle of July. It felt like the surface of the sun!

We did though in fact make it to Vegas without the van breaking down. My husband had called to get us a hotel because he heard about the series of unfortunate events and thought we may as well just relax in an air-conditioned hotel one night. The only problem was that I had too many kids to actually occupy one hotel room and they would not rent hotel rooms unless an adult was in each room, so we would have to sneak into the room. After walking into the hotel with our flip-flops literally melting on the concrete, I placed our oldest child (I think he was 12 at the time) and his friend that was traveling with us at a pillar in the hotel with a few of the other kids. I gave them the command to stand right there, don’t move, and just try to blend in (like that would even be possible).

I brought a few of the younger ones with me and discovered there was a huge line. I did have a moment of clarity and took everyone to the bathroom before getting in the line. In fact, I went and got the older ones and had them all go to the bathroom as well. After waiting in the line for 20 minutes, the youngest starts to say she has to go to the bathroom. Ugh…ugh…ugh…I try to encourage her to wait. I don’t want to lose our place in line. Her whining about needing to go to the bathroom got more insistent the closer we get to the front of the line. I appeal to her that it would just be a few more minutes. Literally as we reached the counter, she proceeded to pee all over the floor in front of the desk clerk. Not one of our finest moments!

That was one of many miserable experiences on road trips. It’s funny how we can remember it fondly years later. Thankfully I don't believe they are scarred for life from the range of experiences. There are other less dramatic moments on the road trips that are not so fun, but funny nonetheless. Just the other day, we drove around the corner in the RV and hit some sort of bump at which point the cupboards flew open and stuff flew out- including a huge bottle of soy sauce. We are still cleaning up soy sauce days later. The entire motorhome has the smell of soy sauce, but I’m thinking it may be better then what it smelled like before!

Our RV is holding together with duct tape, various types of glue, and plenty of love, but we’re still plugging down the road even though it’s a bit warm with no air conditioning (reminiscent of the earlier road trips). I’m sure there will be many more adventures along the way- some good and some not so good, but it is all part of the journey! We can choose to laugh and smile during these moments and soldier on or we can choose to live in despair. What would you choose?

 Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus. 1 Thessalonians 16-18 NIV

Bittersweet Times in North Carolina

It is bittersweet to be back in North Carolina. There are so many memories here from when our large family (or what we thought was large at the time) moved to the south. At the time, we only had seven children. We set out from Oregon on an amazing journey and made the first (of what would later be numerous) cross-country road trips.

We have good memories here in North Carolina along with memories of times of pain and suffering. Our God though is a God of healing and a God of redemption. It is amazing to see how the Lord ties everything together in our lives for His greater purpose. As Paul tells us in Romans 8:28 "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."

It has been close to ten years since we lived in North Carolina, but it feels like yesterday. Since then, our family has doubled in size. We only actually lived here for a couple of years, but we then travelled back and forth quite frequently and even spent a month or more at a time here a couple times a year after we moved back to Oregon.  One of our daughters went to Duke Children’s Hospital each year. The medical care in this part of the country is impressive.

When we lived here though, it was difficult to be so far away from all of our family and friends. It was also difficult simply to adapt to the cultural differences, but as soon as we met our neighbors Pam and Gary Haywood, we suddenly had friends that became like family to us and to our kids. There were still challenges that came our way, but having close friends to lean on was a blessing. My aunt in Oregon passed away after a very long illness and shortly after that my dad died as well.  My mom was then re-diagnosed with cancer. I was frequently either flying back on my own or traveling back in our big white 15-passenger van with all the kids. We were torn between feeling like we needed to stay in North Carolina where Ron's work was and Julia's hospital was and needing to be near my mom to help her through her treatment.

And honestly, living in the South compared to the Northwest with our family dynamics took a toll on us. It was hard on our kids to experience the degree of discrimination we encountered and it was hard on family to not feel accepted. Looking back at it now, I see our years in North Carolina as incredible growing experiences. Sometimes God places us in the fire to refine us for greater things in the future. Once we have been there, it is then easier for us to deliberately step into traumatic circumstances (such as living and serving in Haiti) without it being so traumatic. Plus we are forced to rely on Him instead of getting caught up in what people think or feel. It may seem uncaring, but I do not care as much about what the neighbor thinks or how someone looks at us as I did ten years ago. I did love and serve the Lord ten years ago, but I also desired acceptance. "But now, Lord, what do I look for? My hope is in you." Psalm 39:7

Now though, acceptance would be nice, but it is not a focus in our lives. We need to understand and accept that when we walk with the Lord, that path will have many bumps along the way. Many people will not understand why we do what we do. Many people will even try to get us off the path we are on and convince us that we are walking the wrong way. 

As a family we have read Pilgrims Progress many times. Just this last year, Miss Beth (co-founder of Mt. Top Ministries) brought over the movie of the story. It's been a good reminder of how many seemingly harmless things can temp us along the way in this journey of walking with the Lord. We continue to pray daily that we will walk the path the Lord calls us on regardless of how scenic it is (or isn't), regardless of whether it appears to make sense to ourselves or others, regardless of whether it is difficult, regardless of whether it is full of challenges upon challenges. We continue to pray for the joy within the suffering instead of asking God to take away the suffering. "I have  told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." John 16:33

The Journey Continues.....

We have had an amazing road trip so far! Yes, there have been a few bumps in the road….or maybe more then a few, but we’ve all survived. There have been many blessings along the way and it has been so wonderful to spend time with friends and family. We have met many amazing people and have seen incredible things. The kids enjoyed the waterpark in Nebraska, the rainstorm in Iowa was impressive, the moment when our awning flew off the side of our RV driving down the interstate was also quite a God moment. Nobody was hurt!

At a rest stop in Nebraska- right before a big storm

We’ve met new people at churches in Chicago and Pennsylvania and visiting Naomi’s family in upper Michigan. She was also able to meet her older sister for the first time in the Chicago area. Julia and Steevenson were both able to assist with cow insemination with Uncle David in Indiana. They will never be the same!

Frozen leaf from the liquid nitrogen

Liquid nitrogen is some pretty cool stuff!

They then made rockets with liquid nitrogen. Always fun times on the farm! We blew a tire in Ohio, but were able to get it fixed relatively quickly. We then made it into Philadelphia down narrow roads without hitting anything (praise God). We enjoyed visiting with our friend Emily at her church, but had a small bump when we discovered a ticket for parking our RV on a residential street and apparently damaging a tree (not exactly sure how there was any damage, but the leaves hung down on top of our RV and I guess that wasn’t ok). But….that’s a minor thing in comparison to all the tolls getting across Pennsylvania. Yikes!

Philadelphia with our good friend Emily :)

After leaving Pennsylvania, we unfortunately blew another tire on the border of Delaware, but this time it took out the tire next to it and part of the underside of our RV. Praise God nobody was hurt! It was not drivable and we were stuck on the interstate. After a few hours of trying to figure out a plan with AAA, the kids and I hiked a few miles up the road (which felt like 10) to a hotel where we remained for the next two days. Apparently car places don’t carry tires that large and truck places don’t carry tires that small. We had to order some. Plus, we were unable to locate a tow truck that had the ability to tow an RV as big as ours.

Crossing into Delaware as we walk to the hotel

After relaxing in the hotel and swimming in the pool, we eventually were back on the road in this apparently big RV that suddenly felt really small and had a relatively unpleasant smell. Funny how I didn’t notice it as much the past 3 weeks while we were traveling around.

Walking to the hotel...

Swimming in the pool

David and Julia relaxing at the hotel

We then stopped in Maryland to see some good friends we’ve known from Oregon and headed towards Washington DC to meet with some of Christelle’s family. There were a few challenges getting the RV into the city and parking was an issue. There was a place we located at Union Station that said they could accommodate RV’s for only $18 for 24 hours, but it was a first come first served basis. We arrived in the middle of the night and were turned away. So, we found street parking and that ended up working out ok after negotiating with the parking meter guy as well as another gentleman that managed the building we were parked in front of. We just kept paying the meter online with our phone. Amazing the technology today!

In from of the White House

We are now outside of DC at just about my favorite place on earth- Chick-fil-A. For those on the west coast, you’re missing out! I have missed Chick-fil-A ever since we moved back to Oregon from North Carolina. We are looking forward to seeing good friends in the Charlotte/Monroe area and then will be on our way to Tennessee. What a journey it has been so far!

Please pray for our refrigerator that seems to not be working as well as our batteries that provide electricity in the RV. We bought new batteries before we left Oregon, but they quit working a few days back. We have also not had air conditioning since Oregon (which hasn’t been a huge problem yet), but as we get into the southern states, it would sure be nice to have our air conditioning working. Maybe in North Carolina or Tennessee we will be able to have a couple of these “minor” things looked at.

Thank you everyone!! We feel blessed to be on this road trip and especially blessed by all the prayers and incredible support we have received. We are continually amazed by all the things the Lord is doing in our lives.
 

Believe it or Not: Not Everyone is Nice

I think for the most part people are well intentioned, but we’re an odd bunch and people are simply baffled by us. Then there are The Others…..

Some people are not so nice. It’s difficult to determine why some unkind behavior is directed at us. Is it because people don’t like large families? Is it due to disabilities in our family? Is it because of the diversity of our family or more specifically how dark some of our kids are (and yes- our black kids are treated entirely different then our kids with other ethnic backgrounds). Is it because we talk, dress, or simply act differently then whoever is glaring at us? Or maybe it’s because I’m height challenged and people simply look past me and try to help/serve the people in line behind me because I’m too short to notice? But more then likely it is a combination of things.

There was a manager at McDonalds in Michigan that wasn’t so nice to us. Maybe she was just having a bad day. Maybe she’s just grumpy in general to everyone, but she literally came out to the Play Place and stood there with her hands on her hips glaring at our kids. The sign said, “Ages 3-13 and parents too!” We had ordered ice cream for everyone. All the kids had on socks because we know the routine by now at McDonald's around the country. We were pretty much the only people in the Play Place. It was not a busy time of day. The younger kids (that met the age requirements) were in the structure. One of our 14 year olds that happens to also be black and happens to also be delayed/disabled was sitting alongside the play area (not inside). The kids were not wild, screaming, or running around. The older ones were sitting at the tables, but something about our family bothered the manager because she said in a snotty voice “You do realize that they cannot be in there over the age of 13”.  Hmm…yes, we do realize that. There was nothing actually wrong with what she said other then the fact that if they let parents in the Play Place, why wouldn’t they allow an older child that is delayed and developmentally more like a grade school child to be in the play area? The problem was more in the way it was said to us. 

Do they typically follow a family out with a manager to outline the rules? Do they use a tone that implies much more then what was actually said? Some would say that we (or maybe black people in general) are just too sensitive. I disagree. Generally, we can easily overlook these kinds of things and move along with our day as normal. Dealing with continual, yet subtle poor treatment is really the norm in our lives. Other times, we wonder if there is more that we should do then just turn the other cheek. Since they offer free wireless at McDonald's I did proceed to type out a review of our experience at their great establishment. I will say that McDonald's response was quick and politically correct. They did contact the local store and the head manager did call and apologize. 

Yes, this kind of stuff does happen in just about any state and within just about any company. Certainly we have seen it more in the southern part of the USA (in general) and we see it more in smaller towns, but it’s bothersome wherever or whenever we see it. People either purposely or inadvertently discriminate against those that are different then what is viewed as "normal" or the ideal. That particular McDonalds happened to be in what appeared to be a white area and numerous people did stop and look at us as we walked in. We’re used to the looks. It’s the actions of people that disturb us.

I have never wanted to be a person that “jumps” to race being a factor. I was not raised to really understand the discrimination that we have seen over the years. My German parents believed in the American dream that freedom was for everyone. They had experienced a different type of discrimination and believed they overcame it. In fact my father’s family changed the spelling of their last name in order to separate themselves from the stigma of being German. But when you are a person of color, you cannot simply change your last name and lose your accent.  It’s like that movie Soul Man where James Earl Jones says something to C. Thomas Howell on how after pretending to be black he got more then what he bargained for. He now understands what it is like to be a black man at which point C. Thomas Howell proceeds to say that No, he doesn’t actually know what it’s like to be black because at any point in time he could always go back to being white. 

There are times over the years where we have become desensitized to some of the discrimination. In fact, when we lived in North Carolina, I remember our family going out to eat with some friends and them asking us if we were always treated this way. I literally said, “What way?” She proceeded to say, don’t you see those people looking at you and don’t you see those women at that table moving to a new table and don’t you see that couple talking about your family? At which point I proceeded to say, “Oh…yeah….that’s normal”. I really had not noticed. It had bothered me greatly when we first moved to the South when people would talk deliberately loud enough so we could hear about how the USA just needs to ship black people back to Africa or some other ignorant comment. 

It would greatly disturb me to be asked how much we get paid to steal their children (just FYI- we do not receive any subsidies and have paid thousands upon thousands to adopt and provide for our amazing children that otherwise would not have a family) or to have a big black woman at Walmart with her hands on her hips saying “She’s calling you Momma?!” Over time though, we began to understand why. We began to understand why there was distrust or concern over white people raising black kids. We began to realize there were and are reasons for this anger. Whether we want to believe it or not, the present is not so pretty and the not so distant past is even uglier in regard to discrimination. Our history and our parents’ history and our grandparents’ history does in fact influence the way we see the world and impacts the way we interact with others. We began to realize that we could not change what people think, but we could control our response. The way we controlled our response was through prayer, tears, more prayer, many more tears, and the pursuit of greater understanding. We needed to respond in a God honoring way, which did not include smacking someone alongside the head at a truck stop, buffet restaurant, or water park (even if we felt like it at times).

There are still times though that it still makes me mad. Nobody deserves to be treated poorly. The way black people in particular are still treated in this country (as well as numerous countries around the world) is something I am greatly ashamed of. On the other hand, we have grown closer to the Lord throughout this process.

In all this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that the proven genuineness of your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed.  1 Peter 6-8 NIV

Our Adventures with Mountain Top Ministries

Here's a short video of our adventures with Mountain Top Ministry this past year:

Road Trip Slideshow from Nebraska to Illinois

The road trip has been quite an adventure so far! We've gone 3500 miles and are now in upper Michigan. Here's a short slideshow of part of our road trip from Nebraska to Illinois: