Believe it or Not: Not Everyone is Nice

I think for the most part people are well intentioned, but we’re an odd bunch and people are simply baffled by us. Then there are The Others…..

Some people are not so nice. It’s difficult to determine why some unkind behavior is directed at us. Is it because people don’t like large families? Is it due to disabilities in our family? Is it because of the diversity of our family or more specifically how dark some of our kids are (and yes- our black kids are treated entirely different then our kids with other ethnic backgrounds). Is it because we talk, dress, or simply act differently then whoever is glaring at us? Or maybe it’s because I’m height challenged and people simply look past me and try to help/serve the people in line behind me because I’m too short to notice? But more then likely it is a combination of things.

There was a manager at McDonalds in Michigan that wasn’t so nice to us. Maybe she was just having a bad day. Maybe she’s just grumpy in general to everyone, but she literally came out to the Play Place and stood there with her hands on her hips glaring at our kids. The sign said, “Ages 3-13 and parents too!” We had ordered ice cream for everyone. All the kids had on socks because we know the routine by now at McDonald's around the country. We were pretty much the only people in the Play Place. It was not a busy time of day. The younger kids (that met the age requirements) were in the structure. One of our 14 year olds that happens to also be black and happens to also be delayed/disabled was sitting alongside the play area (not inside). The kids were not wild, screaming, or running around. The older ones were sitting at the tables, but something about our family bothered the manager because she said in a snotty voice “You do realize that they cannot be in there over the age of 13”.  Hmm…yes, we do realize that. There was nothing actually wrong with what she said other then the fact that if they let parents in the Play Place, why wouldn’t they allow an older child that is delayed and developmentally more like a grade school child to be in the play area? The problem was more in the way it was said to us. 

Do they typically follow a family out with a manager to outline the rules? Do they use a tone that implies much more then what was actually said? Some would say that we (or maybe black people in general) are just too sensitive. I disagree. Generally, we can easily overlook these kinds of things and move along with our day as normal. Dealing with continual, yet subtle poor treatment is really the norm in our lives. Other times, we wonder if there is more that we should do then just turn the other cheek. Since they offer free wireless at McDonald's I did proceed to type out a review of our experience at their great establishment. I will say that McDonald's response was quick and politically correct. They did contact the local store and the head manager did call and apologize. 

Yes, this kind of stuff does happen in just about any state and within just about any company. Certainly we have seen it more in the southern part of the USA (in general) and we see it more in smaller towns, but it’s bothersome wherever or whenever we see it. People either purposely or inadvertently discriminate against those that are different then what is viewed as "normal" or the ideal. That particular McDonalds happened to be in what appeared to be a white area and numerous people did stop and look at us as we walked in. We’re used to the looks. It’s the actions of people that disturb us.

I have never wanted to be a person that “jumps” to race being a factor. I was not raised to really understand the discrimination that we have seen over the years. My German parents believed in the American dream that freedom was for everyone. They had experienced a different type of discrimination and believed they overcame it. In fact my father’s family changed the spelling of their last name in order to separate themselves from the stigma of being German. But when you are a person of color, you cannot simply change your last name and lose your accent.  It’s like that movie Soul Man where James Earl Jones says something to C. Thomas Howell on how after pretending to be black he got more then what he bargained for. He now understands what it is like to be a black man at which point C. Thomas Howell proceeds to say that No, he doesn’t actually know what it’s like to be black because at any point in time he could always go back to being white. 

There are times over the years where we have become desensitized to some of the discrimination. In fact, when we lived in North Carolina, I remember our family going out to eat with some friends and them asking us if we were always treated this way. I literally said, “What way?” She proceeded to say, don’t you see those people looking at you and don’t you see those women at that table moving to a new table and don’t you see that couple talking about your family? At which point I proceeded to say, “Oh…yeah….that’s normal”. I really had not noticed. It had bothered me greatly when we first moved to the South when people would talk deliberately loud enough so we could hear about how the USA just needs to ship black people back to Africa or some other ignorant comment. 

It would greatly disturb me to be asked how much we get paid to steal their children (just FYI- we do not receive any subsidies and have paid thousands upon thousands to adopt and provide for our amazing children that otherwise would not have a family) or to have a big black woman at Walmart with her hands on her hips saying “She’s calling you Momma?!” Over time though, we began to understand why. We began to understand why there was distrust or concern over white people raising black kids. We began to realize there were and are reasons for this anger. Whether we want to believe it or not, the present is not so pretty and the not so distant past is even uglier in regard to discrimination. Our history and our parents’ history and our grandparents’ history does in fact influence the way we see the world and impacts the way we interact with others. We began to realize that we could not change what people think, but we could control our response. The way we controlled our response was through prayer, tears, more prayer, many more tears, and the pursuit of greater understanding. We needed to respond in a God honoring way, which did not include smacking someone alongside the head at a truck stop, buffet restaurant, or water park (even if we felt like it at times).

There are still times though that it still makes me mad. Nobody deserves to be treated poorly. The way black people in particular are still treated in this country (as well as numerous countries around the world) is something I am greatly ashamed of. On the other hand, we have grown closer to the Lord throughout this process.

In all this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that the proven genuineness of your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed.  1 Peter 6-8 NIV