Loss....Loss...and More Loss...

When we contemplate loss in general, we usually think about loved ones that have passed away and broken relationships. We also may think of the day to day losses of losing our iPhone or all the contacts in our phone that may impact our life greatly in the moment. We do not often think about loss that is seen in adoption from the adoptive parent's perspective. We don't often think of the loss of a life not lived for our child or for ourselves.

“Adoptive parents often say about adoption day: "It was the happiest day of our lives!" While most of us are happy to be adopted, our own hearts tell us that adoption day was the most painful day of our lives, for the person with whom we shared deep intimacy suddenly disappeared from our world.” 

― Sherrie Eldridge, Twenty Life Transforming Choices Adoptees Need to Make

I never really contemplated the loss you see in adoption until we were years down the road in adoption. I never thought of adoption being a loss for me. I knew our child or children had significant loss. I also probably categorized that loss and even reduced the importance of that loss in my mind with certain children, such as our children that joined our family at a very young age. I simply did not realize the significance of this core issue on the entire adoption triad: birthparents, children, and parents. 

“You realize you've never walked in another person's shoes. Never have. Never will. The same is true in adoption. There are three sets of adoption shoes sitting at the end of the boardwalk. The adoptees...the birth parents'...and the adoptive parents'. Each is unique and each has a story to tell.” ― Sherrie Eldridge

Loss

Adoption is formed through loss.  There is no escaping that fact. There is no running from that detail. No matter how wonderful adoption can be, there is significant loss seen throughout the process. This loss filters through adoption in a range of ways. When we are in the midst of challenges within adoption, we often think of the logistical details. Our life is out of control, our kids are out of control, we don't know how to get "back on track" to wherever it is we think we were going. We're not always identifying the core issue of Loss within that process.

Often adoptive parents will talk to me about the person they have become. They may be distraught over that transformation. They have lost who they once were and now they are this "other person" that they never wanted to become. They never saw themselves as such an angry or upset person prior to adoption. I have felt this way as well. I once had a "normal" life and now I have this other life. Yes, it is what I wanted, but my vision of what adoption looked like and what it has become are two very different things. My idea of what adoption would feel like is night and day different from what it actually feels like.  For me, much of adoption has been incredibly heart wrenching.  There is a continual pain that goes on and on and on....

If you read my last couple of posts about crazy making behaviors and control, you probably realize that we've had some tough things in our family unit. I want to encourage others that there is hope! We are not currently in crisis mode and have not had significant drama in our family unit for many, many years. Instead of having a gashing wound, we now have scars that are sometimes bothersome and certainly still noticeable to us, but we're not on our way to the emergency room each and every day. We have five grown children that are actually all doing quite well.

But when we were in crisis, I wish I had a better understanding of what was triggering the episodes of crisis. What parents gain through the adoption process (a child) is generally understood, but there is very little talk about what is lost in this process. There are so many things lost in the process of adoption that I don't know where to begin. I'm going to speak from the heart and outline some of the things that we personally have lost. The biggest one for us is the loss of innocence. It's devastating not only for our children that have experienced trauma, but for our children that have experienced secondary trauma. They have the loss of a relatively innocent childhood existence. Our kids do not have that and we ourselves do not have that. To a great extent, we've lost the idea of the "perfect" family (whatever that may be). Some of our kids have not experienced the extent of trauma (such as our youngest child) and so the comparison can be hard on the other kids. There were many things we simply could not do in certain seasons of life.  Our choices become severely limited when we are in crisis mode.

Our vision of a family outing....

Maybe we had visions of family outings, but our outings end in someone peeing on the floor at 10 years old (or worse yet, peeing on someone else). We've lost visions of a quiet family evening at home drinking hot chocolate and watching a Christmas movie. Our "quiet" evenings may only come after 3 or 4 hours of rages where everyone just collapses from sheer exhaustion. Or maybe we do have a relatively quiet evening and things are going well, but then somewhere along the way it turns into something different. Or the next morning, there is something that happens to sabotage the whole thing and make us not want to have fun ever again. If "fun" leads to this, we want no part in it.

The reality of our family outings..

I remember quite a few years ago my husband asking me to come out to build a snowman with the kids. My instant vision was not of a "fun" family time. My vision was (with one particular child) of what will happen if I do that? How will she sabotage the situation and when?  She was at a certain season in her life that if I backed away a bit, she would do ok with others, but as soon as I tried to connect with her or do fun things with her (me in particular as the primary parent), she would react in a not so good way.  My mind already went to the fact that if I go out there, she will likely be fine, but then she will put a bunch of that snow in her coat and bring it in and set it on my bed or I'll have to stop her from doing something inappropriate and I just don't even want to go there. There was this huge loss revolving around simply acting as a normal family. We begin to have to evaluate every single choice that we make moment by moment in life. It is beyond exhausting to live that way.

We've lost the vision of birthday parties. Some of our kids can't handle the sensory stimulation that comes from "having a good time" and may either shut down completely or haul off and punch the person that we "thought" was their best friend. And they often cannot handle that much direct attention towards them. We moved into having large quarterly parties for a range of reasons. Our kids did better when they shared their party with some of their other siblings vs. the focus being exclusively on them. Then on their actual birthday, we would just have our immediate family and no huge celebration. After all, the day they were born reminds them of all kinds of loss.

We may simply have this vision of contentment, but NOBODY is content and there is NO fun to be seen for miles around. And when we do get a glimpse of the "fun" it quickly disappears to where we don't even want to look for it anymore. We've lost HOPE and that is the saddest part of the whole experience. The hope that we will love this child that we have longed for and prayed for and that love will make a difference. The PRAYER that we can help a child in need. We don't feel like we're helping anyone. And the LONGING that that this child that we love with all of our hearts will feel something for us in return outside of absolute hatred. And when they don't, it's one more heartbreak.

We begin to protect our hearts due to the heaping pile of loss. We may begin to not like this child and in many cases, we begin to wish this was not our life at all and even wish at times that we had never adopted the child. The pain is simply too much to bear.

If you are at the place where you dislike your child, you are not alone. If you are at the place where you truly believe that not only do you not like your child, but you really do not love your child, you are also not alone. If you are at the place where you absolutely hate this child that you are supposed to love, believe it or not, you are also not alone. I have been there. I have felt that deep despair. It's not a place that anyone wants to be, but what do we do if we end up there nonetheless?

I wish there was one specific answer, but it's more complicated then that. There are many tools and resources to help us, but it is a process and it begins in our mind. Identifying our own loss will help us be able to identify loss in our child. Then we can begin to grieve that loss (I'll write a whole post on that core issue alone). We have to be able to look at the various issues and see how they impact us and cause us to respond in a certain way.

In order to help our child process the loss seen in adoption, we must first identify some of those losses. A few of these are the loss of history, loss of identity, loss of birth family, loss of siblings, loss of birth order, loss of control, and loss of connectedness, and on, and on, and on.....

So, what can we do with all of this loss surrounding us? The first thing is to be gentle with ourselves. Take care of ourselves. Acknowledge that there is loss. Don't expect to be happy all the time or even strive for happiness as the answer. This is some really tough and sad stuff.  Acknowledge that pain, gather people around you that get it, but also be cautious of gathering people around you that "get it" but are on a downward spiral. Take steps to move forward instead of living there in unhappiness for the rest of your life. Recognize that our vision was not reality and then begin to embrace the new life with all it's jagged edges with a new and positive perspective on what your life now looks like. Can you begin to be happy even if nothing changes but your attitude about it? We often have it in our mind that we'll be happy if the child stops doing this or we make more money or we lived in a better area or we had more resources or whatever else would make us happy.

For our teens in particular, what can we do to help turn this scenario around? We can help by:

Remind them that they are valuable, they are wanted, they are loved, and they belong. Simply spend time with them without it being based on their behavior.  By request, I will write a whole post specifically about special time, so stay tuned. But for now, we must tell them how valuable they are with words and actions even if we do not feel it in the moment. Jesus loved the unlovable. Find unique ways to love your teen even if they are demanding, ungrateful, and entitled.

Talk about their adoption. They are thinking about it! Even if they say they don't want to talk about it, be persistent. So many adult clients say to me that their parents never talked to them about their adoption. When I talk to the parents, the response is that they always tried to talk about adoption, but received some form of pushback. The parents stopped talking about it because the teen wasn't receptive. We need to find creative ways to continue to bring up adoption even if we receive a less then favorable response.

Talk to your teen about their story. The whole story;  even the unpleasant facts. So many teens come to me and feel like pieces or details have been hidden from them. This is generally not deliberate. It may simply be details that the parents may not think are significant. They may also be afraid that the details are too difficult or painful. Parents try to protect the teen by simplifying the details, but in the end, the teen is hurt even more. For the teenager, it can feel like one more person that cannot be trusted in their life.

Coordinated time with other adopted teens. Spending time with others that understand the loss they have experienced is incredibly important. I have had the great blessing of assisting at teens camps with Chosen International over the years. It is amazing to see what happens when teens come together that share this common bond. Many will express pain in that they never really spent time with others that know what they're feeling. "Something extraordinary happens when adoptees connect with one another, a reassurance of being understood, an unspoken bond, a sense of belonging." ~Sherrie Eldridge author of Twenty Things Adopted Kids Wish Their Adoptive Parents Knew.

Allow our teens to fail. Be cautious of rigid expectations. Teens in particular are going to make mistakes. Allow for mistakes, forgiveness, and grace. Parents will often ask me about texting or social media and my advice, as much as possible, is to be a part of what our teens do instead of setting extremely rigid guidelines. Many, even most, are doing all kinds of things behind their parents' backs. Many parents I work with are running after their teenager trying to stop them from making mistakes instead of coming alongside the teen and being there through the mistakes. Of course we need boundaries and expectations, but help your teen be an integral part of these boundaries. The more you can set boundaries together, the more likely they are to follow them. Be cautious of rules that push further towards rebellion.

Be a safe place to fall. What will you do if your child steals a pie from the local convenience store? What will you do if they charge thousands of dollars on your credit card? What will you do if they "borrow" your car to take a girl out they are not supposed to date? What will you do if they call you from a party they were not supposed to be at and they are drunk and the police have arrived? Talk about these things with your teen before they happen. Often we are responding in crisis mode. Our teens are terrified of what we will do or say, so they hide as much as possible from us. Be that safe place for them to fall. Can they call us if they've messed up and expect love in return? That doesn't mean we work on eliminating consequences for them. We must help them to understand that consequences will follow their behaviors long term, but are we the people they would call for help or have we become the last person they would ever trust?

Join our teen in the search for their birthfamily. Don't be afraid of biological family. If their birth family is on drugs, messed up, dysfunctional, and basically a big hot mess, and therefore we completely separate ourselves from them and separate our child from them, what does that say to our teen? The vast majority of teens that come to me think they are a big hot mess themselves. They believe their parents simply do not know the extent of the mess they are, but if the parents actually knew them, they would have nothing to do with them, just like the birthparents. They often think they will end up just like the birthparents. My kids that have some sort of connection with even a dysfunctional family unit are so much more complete as a person and the last thing they want is to end up like their family. I see the same thing with my clients. It is not always possible, but if there is a way to have connection with the family on some level, be a part of that connection instead of being another barrier. Most of my clients do search out their family on Facebook. Most are afraid of the parents response if they were to contact them. Many do have contact with birth family behind their adoptive parent's back. Connect with your teen through this process instead of allowing it to be another separation during some tough growing up years.

Pray, pray, and pray some more. I know there was some response on a previous post basically saying to pray is simplifying this entire dramatic experience of adoption. hmm....I'll disagree with that. If we do nothing else BUT pray, we have done the greatest thing of all. Often in times of trial, we are left with our hands tossed up in the air saying, "Well, all we can do now is pray". Maybe, just maybe, this is where God wanted us in the first place. Accept the fact that ultimately we are not and will never be in control of the outcome with our teenager. It is not your fault. Good parent or bad parent, do not carry the weight of the world and the world's problems on your shoulders. Allow the Lord to carry the burden of all your mistakes and be confident that He will continue to carry the burden of mistakes yet to come. Believe me, you will make more (as all parents do). Release it to the Lord and allow Him to be the ultimate healer of unrest. It is incredibly difficult and it becomes a day by day or even moment by moment decision. We don't always or even often get the response we may desire, but our God knows what He is doing. He can make even the most horrific events that happen in our lives a beautiful blessing. There is pain involved, but glory on the other side!

For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, 

nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, 

nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, 

will be able to separate us from the love of God 

in Christ Jesus our Lord. ~ Romans 8:38-39

Help! My Life is Out of Control!

What do we do when our perfect little family turns upside down? We climb on this amazing roller coaster of adoption and it starts out as a grand adventure. The Lord calls us and we answer willingly. We think it has been a difficult journey as we fill out mountains of paperwork, pay thousand upon thousands of dollars, and wait anxiously for our child to come home. We think it will be rough the first year or so. We hope we are prepared. We have faith that everything will be ok, but this roller coaster begins to go faster and faster and it NEVER stops moving. We start to feel woozy, we begin to get sick of the ride, we may even try to hop off, only to suffer serious injury in the process. 

We now are broken and scarred from the whole gut wrenching experience. Our other kids that were once relatively unscathed are now severely traumatized by this "miracle" of adoption. Friends and family look at us and say how amazing it is that we've adopted. Strangers come up to us and express how excited they are because they just began the process of adoption. We smile and nod when we want to cry and say, "Don't do it! Run far away from that fantasy in your mind".  

Our family may look pretty good on the surface, but underneath the surface, there is often severe pain and suffering. Behind closed doors, many adoptive parents seriously don't know how much longer they can survive. This heart wrenching experience has broken our hearts and we're not sure that we can put the pieces back together again. I'm going to attempt to be real in this post and hope that I don't scare too many people off with some horrific details of the ugly side of adoption. I'll actually share some of the less horrific details but, for those that are not in the trenches of a tough adoption, they may seem like extreme behaviors. 

For starters, what do we do when our child hates us, but loves everyone else? What do we do when our child pees in our shoes and smears poop on the walls or worse yet, eats poop themselves? What do we do when we have a wonderful day with our teenager, but the next morning we go down to the freezer and there's poop on the floor and the ice cream is all gone? What do we do when we walk upstairs and the sweet teenager is organizing the cupboards as he smiles at us as though nothing had happened? What do we do when we've placed security cameras in our home because our child is not safe to self or others and as we watch our pre-teen, we see them looking straight into the camera as they pull our underwear out of the laundry or worse yet, we see them sneaking into a younger child's room at night? 

How do we explain to people at church that, no, our children cannot go to Sunday school or Youth Group or Awana club? Our children are sitting in the pew with us because our "sweet" child on the surface may seriously harm your child. How do we explain that, no, our child cannot come over to put up a tent in the backyard, or play hide and seek in the dark, or any other "normal" activity that may be fine for your child, but not for a child with a trauma history? What do we do when our child is cutting, suicidal, running away, lying about us to others, threatening siblings, assaulting adults, jumping out of moving vehicles, stabbing the dog, and basically wreaking havoc in the home every single day of our lives? 

I have said these things to you, 

that in me you may have peace. 

In the world you will have tribulation. 

But take heart; I have overcome the world. ~ John 16:33

How do we trudge along when we've landed in the pit of despair and our life is simply "out of control"? Yes, I realize that God tells us we will have trials and suffering. Life will not be easy, so I'm not sure why we are surprised. The problem is: knowing it will be hard and dealing with HARD 24/7 are two very different things.

These are just a "few" of the joyful moments we have experienced in the journey of adoption. I think I could write a 200 page book just on all the junk we've experienced, but I'm going to try to give some helpful ideas on how to persevere during times of trial and hopefully help our child heal. I certainly do not have all the answers. We've made a lot of mistakes, but we've hopefully learned a few things along the way. 

I've had many parents in my support groups say, "But I can't be like such and such a specialist" and my answer to that is, "You don't have to be like them. Just take some skills and an overall concept from them and adapt them to your personality and your circumstances". And also realize that it is entirely different to teach this stuff then to live this life. I can have kids in my office spit on me or try to hit me, but it really doesn't impact me in the same way. I have no problem maintaining regulation with someone else's child. With my own, that's a different story. This (I have been told) is the same with grandparents. Just because we have a grandchild that has these conditions, doesn't mean we have lived this day in and day out. Grandparents, generally speaking, have the luxury of stepping away. As a parent, that child is 100% our responsibility. This make a HUGE difference. But also remember, it is a process. Specialists did not become this way overnight and those that have been walking this road a long time also have not instantly become "experienced" in trauma parenting. We've developed skills over years and years and years and we are still learning.....

Our first seven children experienced different parents then what we are today. In fact, if our second seven ever complain that Mom or Dad are mean, any of the kids from the first seven will say, "Umm...you have no idea".  We were forced to completely transform our parenting. Our son was on the verge of disruption and our entire family unit was falling apart. I certainly was not nearly as regulated or in control of myself with the first seven. I would lose my mind on a regular basis. I would start out the day with a positive attitude, but soon enough I would yell and scream and try to get our kids to simply do what I asked. I would resort to punitive parenting strategies out of desperation (if you don't do this, you can't have that). Many of our children were intense (to say the least) and they only responded with intensity. The problem is, it still didn't correct the behavior. It just made us more and more discouraged.

With the first seven, we thought we could use traditional parenting strategies. We believed in love and logic parenting for example, but our kids didn't understand logic. My background did not understand or even agree with "negotiating" with a child. My father was ex special forces military. You did what he said. No questions asked. We did not even think about defying my dad. I wasn't raised in an abusive home. In fact, I can't even remember being spanked, but we did have respect and we simply did what we were told (for the most part). Gee... Imagine that! 

For our kids that joined our family through adoption, it didn't work that way. This was beyond Strong Willed Child behavior. I have that book. It was helpful with my strong willed biological child that didn't have a trauma history. It did not do too much for my kids with prenatal drug exposure, fetal alcohol, developmental delays, RAD, PTSD, ODD, OCD, autism, and on and on and on.  Cause/effect reasoning was simply not there for them, so naturally logical consequences made literally no impact on them. For our first seven kids, we were striving to gain control with traditional parenting models and were basically spinning our wheels. Our children appeared broken and we ourselves were broken. To the outside world though, they looked pretty good.



We were not prepared to handle the degree of trauma we brought into our home. We were not equipped to handle the effect of years of abuse and neglect our children had experienced. We were not educated in the long term effects of trauma that is seen even within infant adoption. We knew nothing of the Seven Core Issues in Adoption (Silverstein & Kaplan) and how these issues would impact not only our child, but our entire family unit.

Core Issue of Adoption: Control 

This is one issue that will bring parents to their knees. Think about how "out of control" you feel due to the behaviors of your child and multiply that by 100 and we may begin to understand how our child feels every second of every day. Our child was not in control of an integral part of their life. They had absolutely no control over the fact that they were adopted. They typically have tremendous fear associated with any kind of lack of control. We may simply say, "Ok...we have to go. Get your shoes on" and they  feel out of control, toss themselves on the ground, and scream for two or three hours. We think they are being defiant, difficult, or maybe spoiled rotten, but that is actually not the case. Moving is a BIG deal for them and I don't mean moving into a new home (although that is traumatic as well). I simply mean moving from Point A to Point B. Daily transitions are nearly impossible.

So, how do we help our child feel in control without losing parental authority in the home? How can parents and child be in control at the same time? I think I spent the first 10 years baffled by this concept. I did not understand that I was triggering a fear response in our children. I saw that we had mini control freaks floating around the home and it was frustrating as anything. I was focused more on maintaining control in the home or maybe in getting back the control I had lost in the whole process than on what was going on under the surface. I spent far too much time going head to head with the child and it was simply not working. 

Consciously or unconsciously other 

seemingly simple requests can feel controlling 

to children who are experiencing life 

as one in which they are powerless, helpless, and hopeless. 

We must begin to put our plans of what parenting looks like aside and focus on what is going on internally with our child. Remember, our children feel powerless, helpless, and hopeless. What are we doing to contribute to that feeling? We may not even realize that we planned to parent our child in a certain way, but believe me, we more than likely have strategies/tendencies ingrained in us that we need to re-evaluate. 

Many are the plans in the mind of a man, 

but it is the purpose of the Lord that will stand. ~Proverbs 19:21

So, now we've set our plans aside and are ready to begin anew with our child. We're ready to learn new concepts and help our child feel in control. How exactly do we do that? Hmm....through a lot of learning and a lot of work. It really takes us becoming mini detectives essentially. We begin to track and evaluate all that we do. We look at this information with a new lens and evaluate what core issue or issues are at play in each situation. We begin to prepare for, not only the response of the child, but our own response.

Will we allow ourselves to be pulled in by our child or will we maintain self-control? It's easy to say that we'll stay regulated. It's an entirely different thing to actually do it. Our children are amazing at pushing buttons. We need to figure out what these buttons are that they're pushing and why it impacts us so much. Our children likely see into us much more clearly then we see into ourselves. Why does it bother us so much that the child looks like pigpen? Why does it bother us so much what people think as we carry the child across the football field kicking at screaming? Why does it bother us so much that our child pees on the wall or the neighbor's tree or on us even? Why does it bother us so much that the child doesn't love us? Why does it bother us so much that the child appears to love other people? This list can go on and on and on....but unless we figure out why it is effecting us, it will continue to be a button that they will push over and over again. What is the fear inside of us? That we won't be loved? That people will think poorly of us? That our child will harm someone? That our child will harm themselves? 

For God gave us a spirit not of fear 

but of power and love and self-control. ~2 Timothy 1:7

Identifying the fear helps us to put things into perspective. So, now we've set our own plans aside, we've evaluated our fears, and we're ready to move forward. Then what? Where do we go from here? 

I'm going to address this in regard to teens because there's so little information out there on parenting through the teen years within adoption. How many of you have out of control teenagers?  When they were younger and they did not do what you asked, you were able to control the consequences at least to some degree. As the child gets older and older, the ability to control decreases and the consequences get more and more significant. The fear in us as parents begins to increase exponentially. It's one thing to have a 7 year old masturbating in public (ok...that's not so great, but our definition of "bad" has changed). It's an entirely different thing to have a 12 year old drilling holes in the walls to watch their siblings undress. 

Then, we move into the whole realm of pornography and what some would view as sexually deviant behavior and this is not just with boys. There are girls prostituting themselves out at school, sending pictures of themselves to others, and soliciting the school counselor for sex. Basically, the teen is doing everything they can to feel in control, but to us it looks like they are completely out of control.

You may not control all the events that happen to you, 

but you can decide not to be reduced by them. ~ Maya Angelou

What do we do in these circumstances? One thing is to look at the scenario and see what they are gaining from it. For a child that has been sexually abused for example, it is often baffling that the teenager may lean toward being promiscuous. The parents are upset by the behavior sometimes without understanding the reason behind it. If that element of their life was taken out of their control, they then may try to gain control of it in the only way they know how. For example, this happened to me, it's going to happen again, this time I will control it and benefit from it. 

Ok, so if we determine that they feel out of  control and they are trying to control those around them and then our response is, "Hey, you're grounded for two weeks for sneaking out"...how well do you think that will work for us? We've responded by controlling more when the teen already feels out of control. I've been there. I've done this. I've tightened the reins and I've seen it backfire. 

What is the answer then? We can't just let our teenagers roam the neighborhood because they struggle with control. We can't just give them unlimited freedom when they don't have a fully developed brain. One thing we can do is begin to figure out how we incorporate elements in their life where they feel in control. What kinds of things do they feel in control of? What kinds of things are they proud of? What responsibilities do they embrace? And how do we connect with our child during this process? 

We must begin to find unique ways to connect with our teen while empowering them during the process. We must remember that ultimately we are not in control of everything that our child does. Turn our fear over to the Lord, find unique ways to share control, develop a plan together with your teen, pick your battles, gather uplifting support around you, and pray without ceasing. You are not alone! 

Be confident that you can make a difference. 

Don't get overwhelmed....

Try to take each day and each task as they come, 

breaking them down into manageable pieces for action 

while struggling to see the whole. 

And don't think you have to "win" immediately- 

or even at all- to make a difference. 

                                                                                                                         ~ Marian Wright Edelman

*Stay tuned for the other core issues in adoption...

When Peace Doesn't Come

I feel compelled to touch on some of the tough things in parenting or maybe more specifically the difficult struggles in adoption. Maybe more aptly, this post should be labeled "The Ugly Side of Adoption". I know it is not warm and fluffy, but I think there is a time and a place to address the "reality" of adoption and not just what may be portrayed in amazing pictures of "forever families" on Facebook. 

The Ideal Family Home

Our Crumbling Family Home.....

Even our family, on the surface, looks pretty good. But I will tell you that it's not all (or even mostly) fun and wonderful. We certainly have had some significant challenges in our life that we do not necessarily broadcast for the world to see. Knowing the challenges that we face as well as the struggles that so many families experience, it brings forward the question: What happens when peace doesn't come? I understand that we can have internal peace even when there is external conflict, but what do we do when that external chaos continues day in and day out until families are on the brink of despair? How is it that we develop that internal peace when our world falls apart around us?

The easy answer as a Christian may be to simply pray and believe with confidence that God answers prayers. Hmm...I do believe that. I really do. The problem is, God answers in "His" timing and nine times out of ten, God's timing has been drastically different then my own. And...there is certainly no guarantee that God will answer in the way that we "think" he should answer. In fact, God may even answer in the complete opposite way then what we "expect".

I've certainly been there and prayed for healing when healing didn't come. Many Christians would inadvertently contribute to this underlying feeling of being a failure at praying as well. I went through Beth Moore's "Breaking Free".  It was a wonderful study, but I still was not instantly "healed" and my children as well were not instantly healed. I sincerely and truly turned these challenges over to the Lord, but the trauma kept coming back. I was even told by loving members of the family that if I "truly" turned this trauma over to the Lord, He would take it from me, and I would be healed.

This again though depends on our perspective of what "healing" is. We are not always physically healed. Sometimes we are. I believe that to be true. On the other hand, people do actually die and it is actually in God's plan for some of us to join Him in heaven sooner rather than later. It would also make sense that we are not always emotionally healed as well. True and complete healing will come when we are resting with the Lord. Until that time, we live in a fallen world with sin and consequences of that sin all around us. I believe God sometimes leaves us in a place of suffering. Job suffered for a very long time. God allowed Satan to test Job and in the end, Job's faith prevailed, and His love of the Lord remained strong. How do we grasp onto the Faith of Job? Does it just come to us naturally or is it something that we have to work at and pray for daily?

Years ago we lost our twins in Ethiopia. I don't believe it was due to a lack of prayer, lack of faith, and certainly not due to a lack of love. God simply decided to take them home instead of orchestrating their complete adoption into our family. We have other children where we've prayed for complete healing, but God brought our children through numerous interventions, surgeries, counseling, and even chemotherapy before the "healing" came. With some, we are still waiting on that "healing" to come.

What do we do in those moments (or maybe very long seasons in life) when we are waiting on the Lord as our life is crumbling all around us? How many of us Christian adoptive parents are in survival mode simply trying to do the best we can to protect everyone in the home? We have many friends going through trials and struggles that they never expected to face. We ourselves have had significant bumps (huge craters) on this journey into the realm of adoption. I receive multiple emails and phone calls each week from families falling apart, children/teens leaving home, treatment centers, law enforcement involvement, financial hardship, bankruptcy, divorce, buckets full of secondary trauma, and basically families desperate to find new or alternate placements for children who joined their family through the miracle of adoption.

How did we end up here? We felt a distinct call to help others. We felt called by the Lord to adopt. We believed that God called us to love a child (or two or three or 12) and we moved forward in faith. Maybe naively, we thought that loving them and teaching them about Jesus would be all the medicine that was needed, a perfect solution to this horrific situation: this dilemma we call the Orphan Crisis.

Ok...In the future, I want to write more about the Ugly Side of the Orphan Crisis, but for now, I think I'll stick to writing about what do we do after we bring our kids home (whether it's from the hospital as a newborn, a four year old from an Eastern European country, a ten year old from a Haitian orphanage, or a fifteen year old from the US foster care system). Surprisingly, you will find similarities in ALL of these placements. Many people are very unaware that Yes, a child adopted at birth, is still impacted by the Seven Core Issues in Adoption and more than likely does in fact have a trauma history. Who knew?

So, what do we do when we hit not only little speed bumps along the way, but we encounter the Grand Canyon and there is literally no way across this great divide without suffering serious injury? Do we close our eyes and jump with abandon? Do we try to catapult our way across? Do we do like Nik Wallenda and pray to Jesus as we walk on a tight rope across the great divide? If you haven't seen this guy, it is amazing to see https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D1lXWhiOPW0

The difference being, after the stunt guy gets to the other side of the canyon, he actually accomplishes the task and is then standing on solid ground once again. With us adoptive parents, we may not be back on solid ground for years, and years, and years, and years......


What do we do to sustain during these difficult times? And how do we find hope in the midst of the storm?  I'm going to try over the next few weeks to post (hopefully) some strategies that have been helpful in understanding the Seven Core Issues in Adoption and some of the ways we have at least attempted to obtain inner peace even when outer peace is still in process.......

Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering  produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love  has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us. ~ Romans 5:3-5 

Sheppard Family Update

Sorry for the lack of blog posts this past month. I'm still trying to find the balance between "doing" and "writing about doing". When we're incredibly busy, just know we are less likely to be active on the blog.

November was one of the busiest months we've had so far. I had the great pleasure of attending the Caribbean Psychological Association Conference in Suriname. It took me FOREVER to fly to Suriname (which is a small country on the northeastern part of South America). It is considered part of the Caribbean because it is on the Caribbean Sea, but I really knew next to nothing about the country. I would have "thought" that they spoke Spanish, but low and behold, they actually speak Dutch. You learn something new everyday! It is an amazing country that I hope to visit again someday (Lord willing).

Thankful to be a part of promoting mental health services and networking with others on the best practices within the Caribbean. Sophia and I (another Walden PhD Student) were able to help with tracking and distributing CEU credits to participants. We're both praying that we finally graduate this summer! Would appreciate your prayers in this area.

There are virtually no mental health services in our area in Haiti. We're really praying about the best way to proceed in assisting with the promotion of mental health services. Since I left my position at Mountain Top, I've been contacted by various organizations to assist with training staff, developing safety plans, as well as providing mental health services for missionary families and expats. It has been a blessing to now have the time to provide some of these services. Previously I was too busy in the role of clinic administrator to really do much of anything with mental health. My background is in mental health, so it's nice to be able to serve in this area.

I received a full scholarship to attend a training at Texas Christian University and a three month course on Trust Based Relational Intervention. I am now going though the process of becoming a trainer for trainers in this area. I am also beginning to volunteer with Crisis Care Training International (a division of WEC international) on planning a trauma training in Haiti. Many ministries have contacted us and are seeking help in working with children with trauma and training their staff to work with children with trauma.

I was also honored by being invited to participate in a Scholar's of Change panel discussion in San Diego in November. It was wonderful to share ideas on how to promote sustainable social change worldwide. One area that we feel passionate about is sustainability. If there is anything that we do in Haiti, we hope that the project or implementation of change does not depend on us. It is one of the things we discuss frequently. Often the "white people" show up and implement a project, but sometimes that project is dependent exclusively on outside funding. The people in the community may look towards outside funding to sustain projects instead of finding ways to make sustainable change within a country or community. It's not an easy task and generally there does need to be a phase out plan, but we are blessed to be in contact with other ministries that have accomplished this task and continue to promote this way of "helping" others throughout the world.


Thanksgiving was a blessing to spend together with friends and family. We had some missionary friends over as well as a local Haitian family and another Haitian friend that we've known for many years. We're blessed to have so many close friends that feel like "family" to us. Joan flew out on Thanksgiving back to Oregon to spend time with her family and will be returning this week with Phuong. Joan will stay with us long term (yay) and Phuong will spend a month with us in Haiti. Since I went into the states twice in November, I was able to bring many needed supplies back to Haiti with me (including a turkey, ham, and some cheese)!

We're getting to know more and more local families and will have a few local families over on Christmas day. Sometimes it "feels" like we're not doing enough and other times it feels like we're dong "too much". It's hard to describe. We are in process of finding that balance between serving and just being there to get to know people in order to evangelize and develop disciples. It is so easy to get caught up in doing, doing, doing. We have to continually remind ourselves to slow down and focus on developing relationships with people, increase our understanding of the language, continue to learn about the culture, and share our relationship with the Lord. After all, our main reason for being anywhere is to spread Christ to the nations.


Please join us in prayer for finding that unique balance! Our pastor at the church we attend here in Haiti reminded us that they used to send missionaries in the field and for the first 4 years they really didn't do anything except integrate into the community. When we first came, we hit the ground running and were very busy in our "roles" serving.  Now we're backtracking a bit and focusing on really developing those close relationships.

Ron continues to hold down the home front when I travel and serves in the village of Belot. Joan continues to homeschool the kids. She is a tremendous blessing for our family. Thank you Grandma Joan! The kids continue to serve in various capacities. We are getting to know other missionaries. I'm teaching gymnastics with the homeschool group when I have a chance and we're involved with a Third Culture Kid group. We're not nearly as isolated as we were last year now that we have a truck to get around. Haiti feels like home to us and we are so very thankful to be here!

And good news for our family on the horizon: Joseph (our oldest) will be here in January, our oldest daughter will already be here for the month, and our second oldest daughter (Maliya) may be coming as well. Now we only need Kenneth (second oldest son) to travel here in order to have our entire family in one place!