Help! My Life is Out of Control!

What do we do when our perfect little family turns upside down? We climb on this amazing roller coaster of adoption and it starts out as a grand adventure. The Lord calls us and we answer willingly. We think it has been a difficult journey as we fill out mountains of paperwork, pay thousand upon thousands of dollars, and wait anxiously for our child to come home. We think it will be rough the first year or so. We hope we are prepared. We have faith that everything will be ok, but this roller coaster begins to go faster and faster and it NEVER stops moving. We start to feel woozy, we begin to get sick of the ride, we may even try to hop off, only to suffer serious injury in the process. 

We now are broken and scarred from the whole gut wrenching experience. Our other kids that were once relatively unscathed are now severely traumatized by this "miracle" of adoption. Friends and family look at us and say how amazing it is that we've adopted. Strangers come up to us and express how excited they are because they just began the process of adoption. We smile and nod when we want to cry and say, "Don't do it! Run far away from that fantasy in your mind".  

Our family may look pretty good on the surface, but underneath the surface, there is often severe pain and suffering. Behind closed doors, many adoptive parents seriously don't know how much longer they can survive. This heart wrenching experience has broken our hearts and we're not sure that we can put the pieces back together again. I'm going to attempt to be real in this post and hope that I don't scare too many people off with some horrific details of the ugly side of adoption. I'll actually share some of the less horrific details but, for those that are not in the trenches of a tough adoption, they may seem like extreme behaviors. 

For starters, what do we do when our child hates us, but loves everyone else? What do we do when our child pees in our shoes and smears poop on the walls or worse yet, eats poop themselves? What do we do when we have a wonderful day with our teenager, but the next morning we go down to the freezer and there's poop on the floor and the ice cream is all gone? What do we do when we walk upstairs and the sweet teenager is organizing the cupboards as he smiles at us as though nothing had happened? What do we do when we've placed security cameras in our home because our child is not safe to self or others and as we watch our pre-teen, we see them looking straight into the camera as they pull our underwear out of the laundry or worse yet, we see them sneaking into a younger child's room at night? 

How do we explain to people at church that, no, our children cannot go to Sunday school or Youth Group or Awana club? Our children are sitting in the pew with us because our "sweet" child on the surface may seriously harm your child. How do we explain that, no, our child cannot come over to put up a tent in the backyard, or play hide and seek in the dark, or any other "normal" activity that may be fine for your child, but not for a child with a trauma history? What do we do when our child is cutting, suicidal, running away, lying about us to others, threatening siblings, assaulting adults, jumping out of moving vehicles, stabbing the dog, and basically wreaking havoc in the home every single day of our lives? 

I have said these things to you, 

that in me you may have peace. 

In the world you will have tribulation. 

But take heart; I have overcome the world. ~ John 16:33

How do we trudge along when we've landed in the pit of despair and our life is simply "out of control"? Yes, I realize that God tells us we will have trials and suffering. Life will not be easy, so I'm not sure why we are surprised. The problem is: knowing it will be hard and dealing with HARD 24/7 are two very different things.

These are just a "few" of the joyful moments we have experienced in the journey of adoption. I think I could write a 200 page book just on all the junk we've experienced, but I'm going to try to give some helpful ideas on how to persevere during times of trial and hopefully help our child heal. I certainly do not have all the answers. We've made a lot of mistakes, but we've hopefully learned a few things along the way. 

I've had many parents in my support groups say, "But I can't be like such and such a specialist" and my answer to that is, "You don't have to be like them. Just take some skills and an overall concept from them and adapt them to your personality and your circumstances". And also realize that it is entirely different to teach this stuff then to live this life. I can have kids in my office spit on me or try to hit me, but it really doesn't impact me in the same way. I have no problem maintaining regulation with someone else's child. With my own, that's a different story. This (I have been told) is the same with grandparents. Just because we have a grandchild that has these conditions, doesn't mean we have lived this day in and day out. Grandparents, generally speaking, have the luxury of stepping away. As a parent, that child is 100% our responsibility. This make a HUGE difference. But also remember, it is a process. Specialists did not become this way overnight and those that have been walking this road a long time also have not instantly become "experienced" in trauma parenting. We've developed skills over years and years and years and we are still learning.....

Our first seven children experienced different parents then what we are today. In fact, if our second seven ever complain that Mom or Dad are mean, any of the kids from the first seven will say, "Umm...you have no idea".  We were forced to completely transform our parenting. Our son was on the verge of disruption and our entire family unit was falling apart. I certainly was not nearly as regulated or in control of myself with the first seven. I would lose my mind on a regular basis. I would start out the day with a positive attitude, but soon enough I would yell and scream and try to get our kids to simply do what I asked. I would resort to punitive parenting strategies out of desperation (if you don't do this, you can't have that). Many of our children were intense (to say the least) and they only responded with intensity. The problem is, it still didn't correct the behavior. It just made us more and more discouraged.

With the first seven, we thought we could use traditional parenting strategies. We believed in love and logic parenting for example, but our kids didn't understand logic. My background did not understand or even agree with "negotiating" with a child. My father was ex special forces military. You did what he said. No questions asked. We did not even think about defying my dad. I wasn't raised in an abusive home. In fact, I can't even remember being spanked, but we did have respect and we simply did what we were told (for the most part). Gee... Imagine that! 

For our kids that joined our family through adoption, it didn't work that way. This was beyond Strong Willed Child behavior. I have that book. It was helpful with my strong willed biological child that didn't have a trauma history. It did not do too much for my kids with prenatal drug exposure, fetal alcohol, developmental delays, RAD, PTSD, ODD, OCD, autism, and on and on and on.  Cause/effect reasoning was simply not there for them, so naturally logical consequences made literally no impact on them. For our first seven kids, we were striving to gain control with traditional parenting models and were basically spinning our wheels. Our children appeared broken and we ourselves were broken. To the outside world though, they looked pretty good.



We were not prepared to handle the degree of trauma we brought into our home. We were not equipped to handle the effect of years of abuse and neglect our children had experienced. We were not educated in the long term effects of trauma that is seen even within infant adoption. We knew nothing of the Seven Core Issues in Adoption (Silverstein & Kaplan) and how these issues would impact not only our child, but our entire family unit.

Core Issue of Adoption: Control 

This is one issue that will bring parents to their knees. Think about how "out of control" you feel due to the behaviors of your child and multiply that by 100 and we may begin to understand how our child feels every second of every day. Our child was not in control of an integral part of their life. They had absolutely no control over the fact that they were adopted. They typically have tremendous fear associated with any kind of lack of control. We may simply say, "Ok...we have to go. Get your shoes on" and they  feel out of control, toss themselves on the ground, and scream for two or three hours. We think they are being defiant, difficult, or maybe spoiled rotten, but that is actually not the case. Moving is a BIG deal for them and I don't mean moving into a new home (although that is traumatic as well). I simply mean moving from Point A to Point B. Daily transitions are nearly impossible.

So, how do we help our child feel in control without losing parental authority in the home? How can parents and child be in control at the same time? I think I spent the first 10 years baffled by this concept. I did not understand that I was triggering a fear response in our children. I saw that we had mini control freaks floating around the home and it was frustrating as anything. I was focused more on maintaining control in the home or maybe in getting back the control I had lost in the whole process than on what was going on under the surface. I spent far too much time going head to head with the child and it was simply not working. 

Consciously or unconsciously other 

seemingly simple requests can feel controlling 

to children who are experiencing life 

as one in which they are powerless, helpless, and hopeless. 

We must begin to put our plans of what parenting looks like aside and focus on what is going on internally with our child. Remember, our children feel powerless, helpless, and hopeless. What are we doing to contribute to that feeling? We may not even realize that we planned to parent our child in a certain way, but believe me, we more than likely have strategies/tendencies ingrained in us that we need to re-evaluate. 

Many are the plans in the mind of a man, 

but it is the purpose of the Lord that will stand. ~Proverbs 19:21

So, now we've set our plans aside and are ready to begin anew with our child. We're ready to learn new concepts and help our child feel in control. How exactly do we do that? Hmm....through a lot of learning and a lot of work. It really takes us becoming mini detectives essentially. We begin to track and evaluate all that we do. We look at this information with a new lens and evaluate what core issue or issues are at play in each situation. We begin to prepare for, not only the response of the child, but our own response.

Will we allow ourselves to be pulled in by our child or will we maintain self-control? It's easy to say that we'll stay regulated. It's an entirely different thing to actually do it. Our children are amazing at pushing buttons. We need to figure out what these buttons are that they're pushing and why it impacts us so much. Our children likely see into us much more clearly then we see into ourselves. Why does it bother us so much that the child looks like pigpen? Why does it bother us so much what people think as we carry the child across the football field kicking at screaming? Why does it bother us so much that our child pees on the wall or the neighbor's tree or on us even? Why does it bother us so much that the child doesn't love us? Why does it bother us so much that the child appears to love other people? This list can go on and on and on....but unless we figure out why it is effecting us, it will continue to be a button that they will push over and over again. What is the fear inside of us? That we won't be loved? That people will think poorly of us? That our child will harm someone? That our child will harm themselves? 

For God gave us a spirit not of fear 

but of power and love and self-control. ~2 Timothy 1:7

Identifying the fear helps us to put things into perspective. So, now we've set our own plans aside, we've evaluated our fears, and we're ready to move forward. Then what? Where do we go from here? 

I'm going to address this in regard to teens because there's so little information out there on parenting through the teen years within adoption. How many of you have out of control teenagers?  When they were younger and they did not do what you asked, you were able to control the consequences at least to some degree. As the child gets older and older, the ability to control decreases and the consequences get more and more significant. The fear in us as parents begins to increase exponentially. It's one thing to have a 7 year old masturbating in public (ok...that's not so great, but our definition of "bad" has changed). It's an entirely different thing to have a 12 year old drilling holes in the walls to watch their siblings undress. 

Then, we move into the whole realm of pornography and what some would view as sexually deviant behavior and this is not just with boys. There are girls prostituting themselves out at school, sending pictures of themselves to others, and soliciting the school counselor for sex. Basically, the teen is doing everything they can to feel in control, but to us it looks like they are completely out of control.

You may not control all the events that happen to you, 

but you can decide not to be reduced by them. ~ Maya Angelou

What do we do in these circumstances? One thing is to look at the scenario and see what they are gaining from it. For a child that has been sexually abused for example, it is often baffling that the teenager may lean toward being promiscuous. The parents are upset by the behavior sometimes without understanding the reason behind it. If that element of their life was taken out of their control, they then may try to gain control of it in the only way they know how. For example, this happened to me, it's going to happen again, this time I will control it and benefit from it. 

Ok, so if we determine that they feel out of  control and they are trying to control those around them and then our response is, "Hey, you're grounded for two weeks for sneaking out"...how well do you think that will work for us? We've responded by controlling more when the teen already feels out of control. I've been there. I've done this. I've tightened the reins and I've seen it backfire. 

What is the answer then? We can't just let our teenagers roam the neighborhood because they struggle with control. We can't just give them unlimited freedom when they don't have a fully developed brain. One thing we can do is begin to figure out how we incorporate elements in their life where they feel in control. What kinds of things do they feel in control of? What kinds of things are they proud of? What responsibilities do they embrace? And how do we connect with our child during this process? 

We must begin to find unique ways to connect with our teen while empowering them during the process. We must remember that ultimately we are not in control of everything that our child does. Turn our fear over to the Lord, find unique ways to share control, develop a plan together with your teen, pick your battles, gather uplifting support around you, and pray without ceasing. You are not alone! 

Be confident that you can make a difference. 

Don't get overwhelmed....

Try to take each day and each task as they come, 

breaking them down into manageable pieces for action 

while struggling to see the whole. 

And don't think you have to "win" immediately- 

or even at all- to make a difference. 

                                                                                                                         ~ Marian Wright Edelman

*Stay tuned for the other core issues in adoption...