Weird Contrasts in Haiti....

This past year has been interesting to say the least. I "thought" that I knew quite a bit about Haiti from traveling here over the past 10+ years. But living here has opened my eyes to additional elements that are hard to wrap my mind around. The contrasts are interesting, confusing, disturbing, and just plain sad. I saw it to some degree before moving here, but being an integral part of this unique system is hard to handle at times.

Don't get me wrong, I like having a home to live in. I'm thankful that we have basic amenities. I’m thankful that the Lord has blessed us beyond measure with internet, electricity off and on, water on the property, a good price for housing (for Haiti), access to clean drinking water, an amazing little truck, and on and on...

The challenge is that not many people around us are blessed in such a way. I logically understand that these things are just "things" and the Lord blesses people in a range of ways. I could be (and would be) just as blessed living on a dirt floor. In fact, it could be a greater blessing to not have these things as the Lord tells us, “…it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for someone who is rich to enter the kingdom of God." ~Matthew 19:24

Although we are not “rich” by American standards, to the Haitian masses (bulk of the population) we are certainly rich. I think we need to be cautious of this fact. We need to be very cautious and acknowledge the power of living “above” other people. There is white privilege seen though out the world (including in Haiti), even where the bulk of the population is obviously not white.

The challenge is that there really is no middle class (with the possible exception of some missionaries, but even they live quite far above the masses) and many of the individuals that do have homes are either lighter skinned Haitian or individuals of European descent. People tend to either live in a house with all the amenities listed above or they basically live with nothing at all.

And then there is the "upper class"....

This is a challenge for me. And to a great extent, missionaries roll with the upper class. Missionary kids typically attend the same schools as the upper class, shop at actual stores with the upper class, drive cars like the upper class, have help in the home, and a range of other things similar to the upper class. This is not necessarily “wrong”, but I do believe it is an element that needs continual evaluation and prayer. Again, there is separation and power that comes with that placement.

As a Christian, my belief is that the only way we will see sustainable change in Haiti is through our Lord and savior. The challenge though is determining specifically what our part is in this equation. Being a part in bridging the gap between socioeconomic status and class system is a piece of the process.

Here’s a little background about me, for those that may not know, I was raised by an MK (missionary kid). My grandparents served on the mission field essentially their entire lives and my mother (and her siblings) were raised in China and subsequently throughout Asia after all the missionaries were kicked out of China. My mother was severely traumatized by that experience, but that is a story for another day...

One thing that confused me when hearing about my mother talk about growing up in China was the discussion of house servants. I had never heard of such a thing. As a middle class kid in the Northwest, I had no experience with people that had servants. To me, that was something rich people had or maybe people in the South that lived on plantations. I did not understand the how and the why of it. It just seemed "wrong" to me in some way. Maybe the term "house servant" bothered me, but it was the term of the time. In Haiti, we're more likely to hear the term "workers" or maybe even "helpers", but they are treated essentially the same as servants to a great extent.

Then we moved to Haiti and I realized a small piece of the "why" of it. At least I began to understand why people had help in the home. I was told to get someone to work in the house because they can barter for food in the streets and it will help you to learn the language to have someone help around the home. Plus, it will employ someone that otherwise would have no way to feed their family. Ok....that made a little more sense to me, but I still was somewhat unsettled about employing someone to “work” for us when we feel more then capable of working hard ourselves. But then I realized the amount of time that it takes to do anything here in Haiti.

Yes, we could go it alone without help in the home, but our ability to serve in other ways is increased by having help in the home. Otherwise we would literally spend all day everyday just trying to get food and water (and all that entails). It's not like there is a 24-hour grocery store on the corner with reasonable prices. It's not like there are preservatives in the food where you can buy ahead for the following week. It's not like there is canned food (unless you pay astronomical prices) and you can stock up like we did in the states. Basically, you buy what you're going to eat for the next day or two and do the same thing day after day, week after week.

But there are still aspects of this whole contrast of living that disturbs me (even if logically I understand to a degree). When you have the workers or the masses and then you have the rest of the people, there is this vast divide that is incredibly sad. I'm not sure there is any other way to put it. We must find ways to bridge that gap, but it is not an easy thing to do in a country where we have a long standing system that works for many people. For those that have seen the movie The Help, it is very much like that. The workers are really expected to be thankful that they have a job at all. They either do not know or they are wise enough through experience to not complain about the setup.

They have learned to separate themselves from those that they work for because they have been conditioned to do so. You should have seen the reaction of our amazing helper (who we absolutely love and is a part of our family) when we were trying to persuade her to sit at the table with us when we eat meals. It is just not done. Workers are fed meals, but they eat those meals separate from those that they serve. They also use a scrappy little bathroom outside and are often housed in a concrete structure outside or under the house.

These workers often work 14+ hours a day, 6 days a week for an average of $200 a month. They are away from their family the majority of the time. If they are lucky, they may see their kids one day a week. Keep in mind, this is a country where the cost of living is 3x's what it is in the USA.  It's not like many countries I have worked in where everything is incredibly cheap. Haiti is a small island that does not have enough food to sustain the vast population of over 14 million. A vast percentage of basic necessities are imported at a premium and controlled by the upper class. Often a family of 12 is attempting to live on one person being employed for under $2 an hour.

There are not enough jobs in Haiti, so everyone wants (or needs I should say) that $200/month job. This puts the upper class in a very powerful position. Many have drivers, yard men, inside workers, outside workers, and a range of other servants that do many things for them. Some is out of necessity and safety and some is out of convenience. Yes, they (we) are employing people that otherwise would not have jobs, but it’s more about the way people are treated that disturbs me.

On the other hand, there is this perpetual cycle of “reasons” why there may be a lack of trust between the class systems. We have a large number of people that are living in survival mode who may do whatever they need to do to survive (steal, lie, cheat, harm others, etc). This brings forward a fear response thoughout the country. I know when I did volunteer service years ago in Haiti, we would “help” so many people that would then turn around and harm us or the ministry in someway or another. It forced us to basically have our guard up and we really began to look at people from the lens of distrust. This is a very sad thing when we begin to always question an individual’s motives.

The amazing thing is that the Lord gives us an incredible guidebook in how to handle these challenges. We need to learn to forgive those that have wronged us in some way and acknowledge that we may be unfairly judging others based on our past experiences.

"For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins."- Jesus, as quoted in Matthew 6:14-15

I certainly do not have all the answers, but so far in this journey as missionaries, there are a few things that have helped our family. All of the kids have been memorizing the Beatitudes and I was thinking how wonderful it would be if we all lived with such a thought process and reminded ourselves daily that......

“Blessed are the poor in spirit,

    for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

Blessed are those who mourn, 

For they will be comforted.

Blessed are the meek, 

for they will inherit the earth.

Blessed are those who hunger and 

thirst for righteousness,

for they will be filled. 

Blessed are the merciful, 

for they will be shown mercy.

Blessed are the pure in heart, 

for they will see God.

Blessed are the peacemakers, 

for they will be called children of God.

Blessed are those who are persecuted 

because of righteousness, 

for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.  

 “Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me.  Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you.

~ Matt 5:3-12

To All Those Missing Your Babies in Heaven......

I have the great privilege of being a part of various online support groups and forums for a range of reasons. For many years, I never joined any of these groups. I really thought I could "go it alone" and I guess I thought that if I kept trudging along, reading my Bible, praying, and turning everything over to the Lord, eventually I would be fine. As a mental health professional, I should know better. In fact, I do know better, but it's kinda like a mechanic that has a broken down car. They "know" how to fix cars. They simply overlook their own. We can (and should) pray over our broken down vehicle and we certainly did this enough with our RV on the big road trip, but God may also ask us to use various tools and resources (such as duct tape) to correct the broken radiator hose. It's the same with loss and grief. We need to turn over our worries and grief to the Lord, but we also need to consider the resources available to help us through that process. Support groups (whether online or in person) can be a part of this process.

Over the years though, I have gotten better at this process of healing. There were some key moments in my life where the Lord pulled me to my knees and forced me to deal with some of my past junk. It is a continual process, but I am thankful the Lord at least stopped me from just trudging along and forced me to really work on some things in my history. Some of this past junk/trauma was unresolved loss of children. Many people know that we have 14 children (living on this earth), but not as many people realize that we also have 12 children waiting for us in heaven.

As I read though various "survivor" groups, I feel compassion for those fresh with loss and grief. I know that it is a difficult road to be on. I've traveled down it before, but my situation will never compare to any one else's. Everyone has their own unique experience. I feel for those going down this road of pain.

I wonder also about the survivor statement that often comes after a close call with death or even after the loss of loved one.  People will tell us that we survived. Maybe we survived a life threatening disease or survived a traumatic pregnancy or survived a car accident. Maybe others during the event are not viewed as being so lucky. We may be told "at least you have other children" or "at least you made it" or "at least you never brought them home" in the midst of grieving the loss of our child/ren.  We may be left with permanent damage to our physical body and certainly permanent damage emotionally, but at least we survived! We are then told that we should be thankful. For those attempting to help a loved one through loss and grief, please be cautious of saying these things. I know the intention is good, but it minimizes the current pain we feel.

The world will say that I am a survivor of HELLP syndrome. My daughter is a survivor of HELLP. Both of us came very close to death, yet we survived. The world may say: I am a survivor of miscarriage. I am a survivor of premature birth. I am a survivor of a late-term miscarriage. I am a survivor of rape. I am a survivor of unfulfilled adoption. I am a survivor of "failed" adoption and on and on.....  But, I will tell you as a person that has gone through a bit of grief, loss, and pain in this area, it does not always feel like we are this incredible survivor.  Even if the end result is a child living on this earth, it does not always or even often feel like we survived. It feels like we were run through a paper shredder and then pasted back together on the other side.

Or actually, it feels more like we were run through a meat grinder and then put together into a hamburger patty on the other side. We've been pieced back together only to then be tossed into a frying pan and cooked for a while. Then, after just getting used to the pain of cooking in the frying pan, we are tossed over onto the other side. We then feel once again the sting of pain from being singed by the fire. This pain often comes through well meaning comments.

The battle scars that come with going through traumatic events in life do make us stronger, but they also leave us broken and in need of a savior. We are not survivors. Survivors (to me) are those that finish the race. We're more like warriors that have been transformed through Christ into a new creation, but we are still in the midst of the battle. Sometimes the battle in intense and feels just like it did 20+ years ago and other times the battle is distant. There may be residual effects from minor scirmishes that continue to this day.

I do know though: We will never be the same person. The person we were before the trauma or loss goes away and we become a new person. We have new eyes to see the world and an entirely different brain to process events that take place around us. We have to learn to love this new person and take care of this new person. We also have to grieve the loss of the person we once were. We will never be the same and that's ok. We can take this new person and allow the Lord to work everything for good or we can fight against this new person and limit the Lord's work in our lives. It's ok either way. The Lord will be there waiting for us when we are ready. I have imagined the Lord looking down on me over the years with tears in His eyes and sadness on His face saying, "Sweetie. Just let me carry you and it will be ok", but there were times in my life where I refused and carried myself instead. The pain will still exist, but the Lord will carry us through if only we let Him.

In some ways, I think my babies and children in heaven are the survivors. They have reached the place where there is no pain. They have crossed the finish line and are resting with Him. When we reach that place and join them in heaven, it will be a glorious day!  But until that time comes, I like to think they are looking down upon us and cheering us on as we run the race......

Sometimes God Changes our Direction.....

One of my favorite prayers comes to mind as we begin an exciting new journey.....

God grant me the serenity 

to accept the things I cannot change; 

courage to change the things I can;

and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time; 

Enjoying one moment at a time; 

Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace; 

Taking, as He did, this sinful world

as it is, not as I would have it; 

Trusting that He will make all things right

if I surrender to His Will;

That I may be reasonably happy in this life 

and supremely happy with Him

Forever in the next.

Amen.

--Reinhold Niebuhr

I've mentioned some changes here in Haiti and want to share what we can about this process. Sometimes God calls us one direction and then our paths either change entirely or they simply change sooner then we expected.  Sometimes (at least for me), the path is not always as clear as I would like it to be. There are various roads in front of us, but we are not always sure which road to go down. Over this past year, we have really prayed for the Lord to make the path clear to us. I want to be honest and say that although we have seen AMAZING growth and the work of the Lord in Haiti this past year, last year was a really tough year for our family. We were forced to evaluate what the best interest of our entire family unit would be. We are a large group and really need to serve in a capacity that incorporates our entire family and does not take me out of the role of primary parent to our kids. In private practice back in the states, I could pretty much set my own schedule around raising such a large family. On the mission field, not so much so.....

Our family was called to Haiti, so we packed up, hopped a plane, and moved with no plans of return. It happened in a whirlwind. We had been involved heavily in short term missions internationally and local ministries in the USA for over 20 years. We had been praying about long-term missions for many, many years. And then one day the Lord pretty much immediately said, "Go now". The Lord changed plans of a three month trip, to a one year trip, to currently an indefinite move and new life in Haiti.

We served under Mountain Top Ministries this past year and have been blessed by that experience. I have been in pretty much a full time volunteer position as the medical clinic administrator; Ron has been helping out with maintenance/repairs as well as assisting with building projects; and David has been teaching English and computers at MTM's school in Gramothe. We are thankful for what the Lord has done (and will continue to do) through Mountain Top Ministries. We pray blessings upon the organization and the individuals working tirelessly to advance the Kingdom of God.

Sometimes though, God changes our path in unexpected ways. We (as a family) had planned to stay with Mountain Top through this next year, but God had a different plan. A few days after we returned to Haiti this August, God made it abundantly clear that our path had changed. It was mutually agreed upon that I would step down from the roll of clinic administrator and my position within Mountain Top Ministries. I cannot even tell you how freeing that feeling was! It literally felt like a 200 pound weight had been lifted from my shoulders. Don't get me wrong, I would have carried the 200 pound weight if God had said to keep carrying it. We were really conflicted not knowing if we should set it down or keep carrying it. We are so thankful that God has closed one door and is opening new doors. The living in "not knowing" has been difficult to say the least.

I don't want to go into too many details other then to say that God fast-tracked His plans for our type of service here in Haiti. I have been (attempting) to finish my doctoral dissertation, but that whole process was pretty much put on the back burner this past year. For those that know the PhD process: I lost my chair and had to get another one (the head of my committee to approve my research study in Haiti); I was on the verge of being kicked out of school and had to appeal that process (and I'm a 4.0 student, so this is not common for me); I had to replace my second committee member (her role in the University changed); and I am now having to look at changing the direction of my research (which has been a 5+ year process).

I have a background predominantly in mental health, orphan advocacy, and adoption. My experience and passion is in working with kids with trauma histories. That's probably not a big surprise looking at our family unit. Seven of our children joined our family after their previous international adoption placements did not work out. Many of these situations were related to the fact that loving Christian families simply did not have the tools or training to incorporate a child with a significant trauma history into their family unit. The families loved the children, but they had no idea of the significant challenges that followed. We see the same thing with ministries and orphanages that have been called by the Lord to serve the orphan population, but do not have the tools or resources needed to help the children heal.

As the medical clinic administrator, I would certainly see kids with trauma, but I was really not in the position to do much about that trauma. My role was heavily administrative. Plus, a medical clinic in general is just not set up to handle the kind of trauma that I am trained to work in.

My passion is in the spiritual and mental health needs of the population. Yes, medical care is a big piece of that process, but God has made it clear that it is not my portion to carry. This is a hard element for me to understand. It is difficult for me to set down something (release it) when the need is still there (in my mind), but God assures us that He is in control and will meet every need according to His will and His timing. We as humans may see a need, but God may be asking us to simply let go and trust in Him.

David is still called to teach and serve in Gramothe at the school. He will continue to serve with Mountain Top Ministries at the school and with the youth group through this school year. For the fall of 2015, David feels the Lord calling him to serve full time in China or possibly Taiwan.  It's exciting to see the road ahead for David as well. Ron is happy to still assist with building needs, but really feels called to job training skills and chickens (more on that in the future)....and the Lord is opening new doors for me through education, orphan advocacy, and trauma/mental health services. It is an exciting time!

We are still here and we are still serving the needs of the people in Haiti. I just had a medical team serving at MTM that left yesterday. It was an incredible week! We still feel the Lord calling us to bring in short-term mission teams (both to here and Guatemala, as well as Ecuador in the future), so we will continue to serve in that way. Spiritual and mental health needs do align with medical care, but my time commitment in the medical needs of the population needs to be balanced with our family needs and the calling that the Lord has placed on us. 

The earthquake in Haiti left hundreds of thousands of people further traumatized in already traumatic circumstances. We have never doubted that the Lord has called us to serve on the mission field in Haiti. It has simply been uncovered that the way we serve may be slightly different then we originally anticipated. There is a need for mobile medical teams to serve in surrounding village areas throughout the country. There is a need for helping ministries work more effectively with the population they serve by implementing trauma training throughout the country. There is a need for training of social workers and psychologists within universities in order to minister to the spiritual and mental health needs of the population more effectively. This will assist in the implementation of sustainable change throughout the country of Haiti. The need is great and the workers are few! 

Please pray for us as we journey into new territory....

I will be traveling this Saturday to Texas Christian University to attend a week long trauma training for mental health professionals. I was blessed to receive a full scholarship for this three month on-line training which wraps up in a one-week intensive in Dallas. I was "in school" over the summer even though I had taken a leave of absence from my PhD process. I will also be stopping through South Carolina to visit with a ministry that does amazing work internationally, training ministries in how to work with children of trauma. It was simply a God thing that we connected over the summer. I love to see how the Lord links people together for His purpose and His calling.  

I will also be attending (and helping out) at the Caribbean Psychological Association conference in Suriname in November. This conference promotes mental health services throughout the Caribbean (and in Haiti specifically). As you can imagine, mental health services are essentially non-existent on the island.

Due to the change in my role at the medical clinic, our funds are no longer being filtered through Mountain Top Ministries and can be donated through The Chance to Dream. For tax deductible contributions to our family as well as and projects here in Haiti (http://www.thechancetodream.com/#!donate). You can also click on the donate now link on our blog, which filters through Adoption and Family Counseling Services (keep in mind, those donations are not tax deductible, but do go directly to us without administration costs). I assist in counseling and mental health services here in Haiti, so any assistance is greatly appreciated! 

We are praying about possibly using a missionary service agency predominantely to handle our funds and non-profit status. We have submitted information to a couple of different ministries and both are saying they would love to work with us. We are praying for clarity though regarding the direction. We pray continually to be good stewards of resources. Most organizations implement a 10-20% administrative fee to cover overhead. Maybe the Lord will call us in that direction, but we do not have clarity to move in that direction at this time. We're praying about that! Currently, The Chance to Dream is filtering our funds without any administration fees, but they are really not staffed to take on this task long-term. Prayers are greatly appreciated! 

I know the the LORD will maintain 

the cause of the afflicted And justice for the poor. 

Psalms 140:12

Welcome the Newest Member of the Sheppard Family!

Well.....we couldn't resist and added to the Sheppard family once again. Our newest member, Gustafson, or Gus-Gus for short, is a cute little guy. He's brown, and fluffy, and full of curiosity.

We haven't had a puppy for years, so hopefully we will survive! We pray that he will be gentle to us, but a good guard dog for our family in the future. He's part chow and part mutt. I've never really cared for chows because my impression of them has been that they were aggressive and one-person dogs, but the dad of this little guy is pretty mellow. Hopefully Gus-Gus will be the same way, yet be intimidating for others that do not know him.

Right now, he's a lazy little guy that likes to lay on his back so the kids can pet him! :)

He likes rice and beans, so he must be a true Haitian. 

 

Another Amazing Week at Mountain Top Ministries

It is good to be back in Haiti!  There are changes on the horizon, but this week was a good reminder of how far we have come and how the Lord has been with us each step of the way. God brings us exactly where we are supposed to be. The challenging part of this process is that it does not always feel all that miraculous each step of the way. It certainly is not always easy. We had an amazing Oregon medical team serve at Mountain Top Ministries this week (plus one amazing team member from Texas). We are so thankful for their generous hearts and calling to serve the people of Haiti.

Vanessa reading to a patient (son Josiah in background)

God blessed us with an incredibly smooth week. Sometimes we are blessed through challenges, but this particular team was relatively small (15 team members- plus some of us in the Sheppard family). Everyone just really worked together like clockwork. Each team member served with a willing heart in whatever capacity necessary. This has been a joy to see!

Joan and Linda

There were some slow days, which was unexpected since this was the first clinic of the season. There were other days where we were incredibly busy and saw over 200 patients in one day. Praise the Lord! On the slower days, the team was able to spend more quality time with each patient.  On the busy days, we were thankful that so many people received care.

Joan, Cheri, and Gussie

We were able to pray with each patient as they came to the clinic. This was such a blessing! Although the patients suffer from physical ailments, a great percentage of people ask for prayer simply to be closer to the Lord. What a humbling experience to hear the prayers of the people! On the last day of clinic, some of the patients could not be seen at the clinic and began to walk back down the mountain without receiving the medical care that they needed, but then they walked back up to where a team member was praying with patients. They stood in line and waited for prayer.  They knew they could not be seen by a doctor that day, but were thankful to simply receive prayer.

Sweet girl in the clinic

Josiah, Billy, and Elisa counting pills

What we experience in Haiti is such a contrast to what we are accustomed to in the United States.  With so many resources at our fingertips in the USA, it is easy for us to lean into those resources and not even realize that we are doing it. We often do not realize the blessing because many of the blessings in our life have become the “norm”.  The privilege of basic necessities quickly become rights and if we are inconvenienced when trying to access these “rights”, we get completely bent out of shape.

If we were to walk for over three hours, wait for nine hours in the sun, and then are asked to come back in a month because we cannot be seen, we would likely be upset that our needs were not met instead of being grateful and appreciative that someone at least “tried” to help us and prayed with us.

Julia with school children

Christina and Sarah seeing patients

In many ways I think we are less likely to turn to the Lord in the USA because we do have so many resources at our fingertips. It is not uncommon to hear people say that they did this or that and then “all they can do now is pray”. We first do everything in our human power and then only if that does not work, we lean into the Lord.

This past year in particular, we have been praying daily that we turn to the Lord for ALL of our needs before turning to resources, conveniences, privileges, and even basic necessities in life.  We know that the Lord is the great provider and healer. We are so thankful to be used by the Lord in whatever capacity He calls us to. Please pray for the team as they journey back to the United States!

Blessings of Health

As I was sitting up at 3 am with our youngest child who appears to have the flu, I was thinking about what a blessing it is to be here. Not only to be here in Haiti, but to be here with our kids. Naomi started throwing up around 11 pm. Julia brought her downstairs where I was "attempting" to do some work on my dissertation. At first we thought it was from the peanut butter. The sweet little thing had gotten into a jar of peanut butter and before we realized it, she had spooned into her mouth waaaaay too much peanut butter. Naomi actually said when she came down the stairs, "The peanut butter made me sick"....hmm....maybe so.

But....an hour later, she was sick again and an hour later, once again. By 3 am, I was thinking it's probably not the peanut butter or she wouldn't still be throwing up. Kids are funny though. They can appear perfectly fine, throw up, and then move on like nothing happened. In between Naomi being sick, she sat there and told me how much she loved me. This is a common thing for Naomi probably because she's the baby of the bunch and somehow realizing that she may be the very last baby in the family, we have given her a ton of attention. She must be told hundreds of times a day that we love her very much, so she proceeds to tell us numerous times a day how much she loves us.

Naomi and me on the road trip

The amazing part of this is that she has the natural the ability to give and receive affection compared to many of our kids that come from significant trauma histories. It does not come so naturally to them because they have learned the exact opposite from an early age. They've learned to not trust where Naomi has learned that mom and dad (and all of her siblings) will drop everything to cater to her needs. Yes, she is a bit spoiled (maybe a ton spoiled), but I far prefer that to the alternative.

The Lord has blessed us with many children from numerous different backgrounds. He has also blessed me with the opportunity to help other families in working with kids with trauma histories, kids with attachment challenges, kids that joined families through adoption, kids that have bounced all over the place, and all sorts of behavioral concerns that come along with those scenarios. This blessing has also contributed to me traveling a fair portion of time. Over the last 10-15 years, I have traveled all over the country and all over the world. This began predominantly in working with adoption, but spread into humanitarian aid work and promoting spiritual and mental health needs.

It's been an exciting journey, but sometimes exhausting as well. The pursuit of going back to school to get my bachelors and then my masters, various post graduate degrees, all kinds of training certificates, and now my doctorate, has been a God thing and an incredible blessing. This blessing has come with the need for tremendous family support. I have taken many breaks over the years (each time a new child joined our family I would take 6 months or more off school). For this reason, many of our kids have only known me to be in school. After all, I've been a student for 12+ years.

Schooling has also brought a lot of travel into our lives. Thankfully there are amazing options with online degrees, but with the type of degree I was seeking, face-to-face classes have also been imperative. It would be difficult to become a therapist and learn how to interact effectively with clients exclusively on-line. So, for one degree I had to do 500 hours in person over one year. This was done in one and two week increments in various parts of the USA. I would also go to various professional conferences and meet with faculty, professors, advisors, etc. The blessing was that most of this travel could be scheduled around things in our lives.

Under the circumstances, it has really gone very well. Being in private practice in the states allowed me the opportunity to have complete control over my schedule. I could work an hour here and an hour there. When Naomi was in the hospital, I could see a client or two in the city and go back to the hospital. When she was out of the hospital, one of the older kids could come with me to work and sit in the conference room. This way I wasn't really away from Naomi for more then an hour at a time in the beginning. As an attachment specialist, this was a really big deal to me.

We thought that by adopting a snowflake baby (frozen embryo), we really had adopted the youngest baby possible and therefore that child would not come from hard places like most of our other children. Then Naomi was born three months early, spent two months in the NICU, and subsequently had heart surgery. Naomi actually ended up with many of the risk factors for attachment disorder or complex developmental trauma, that is seen throughout the population of adoption. She had a traumatic birth and a traumatic beginning in life, which changes how she interacts with the world. One clue to this was getting shots in the NICU and then shots later on as a toddler. She would often not cry at all, and if she did cry, it was a very delayed reaction. She was poked and prodded so much in the beginning that she became accustomed to that. Not only did she become accustomed to a higher pain tolerance, she also learned to not look to others for help.

Naomi in the NICU

She was attached to all kinds of tubes, so we were not able to pick her up much of the time. If she cried, we had to stand there and watch her in the little box as they were messing with her tubing. She would often stop breathing when we picked her up and they would have to put her back in the box. This early trauma produces a very similar affect as we see many children adopted at an older age. Thankfully we were there from the beginning in order to counteract many of these challenges!

Finally able to hold her 

I was realizing last night (or early in the morning) that the Lord really has been watching out for us. With all of my travel, I really cannot think of a time where I was talking to my family and someone was throwing up in the middle of the night. When the kids have been sick, I miraculously have been there. When Naomi stuck the battery up her nose and had to go under general anesthesia here in Haiti, I was there. When she had a 104 temperature for a few days in a row, I was there. I was actually scheduled to go to a conference the next week.  I remember we were praying about me adding her to my ticket and getting her to a doctor in the states, but a few days before I left, she recovered.

Each step of the way, we have seen the Lord's hand in the details with our family. It's not been free of trial and struggle, but it has been clear that God is with us! Today is our oldest son's birthday. He is 23 years old. Boy, how time flies! Knowing Joseph, I will not write a whole post on him. He is very much like me (sometimes this is good and sometimes not so good). He's an introvert and doesn't care to be publicized. I will say he is an amazing artist. He is the one that stands out as different in our family. Can that even be possible? Joseph is an old soul. He's one of those kids that was born old. When Joseph was 14, he moved down the road to take care of my mother (grandma mei-mei). My father had passed away and my mother's cancer came back, which left her needing full time care. We moved back to Oregon and eventually moved into the house I grew up in. We were blessed to find a two bedroom house for grandma just a few houses down the road.

Joseph began early on to take the roll of caregiver to my mom. It was a family event, but Joseph took on the bulk of day to day care. We would make all her meals and I would bring her to all her appointments, but Joseph was the one to help her up, get her breakfast, make sure she took the correct medication, and help her to bed at night.

Being single teenage mom, my parents were very much a part of Joseph's life. My mom took care of Joseph while I was in college (which we ended up putting on hold three classes short of my bachelors degree because the Lord called me to be a full-time stay at home mom and called our family to adoption). Even over this past summer, my mom was telling people, "I used to take care of Joseph when he was a baby and now he takes care of me". This is very true. Joseph cares for grandma and also cares for his 19 year old sister Phuong who isn't able to live independently. I don't know many twenty something year olds that would do that. He's finishing up his final courses for his bachelor's degree and works within the art community in Portland.

As Naomi was sick last night, she also was talking about Jo-Jo. She was saying, "I love jo-jo. That was fun visiting jo-jo. When is he coming to see us?" He is a blessing to our family and an amazing big brother, even if he does get annoyed by this land of misfits that we live in (his description).

Joseph in Haiti. Yes, he's wearing a suit.
He brought chocolates for the kids from the Cook family! 

We realize looking back how quickly they grow up and it changes the way we respond to our younger children. We aren't focused on looking forward to the next step in their lives. We spend more time enjoying the moment they are in. If we could freeze Naomi at her age, I think we probably would, even though it's a challenging age. Be thankful for the moments in life even when they are filled with sleepless nights and cleaning up puke. Someday, you will look back and miss those days!

"Give thanks in all circumstances; 

for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus" 

1 Thessalonians 5:18 NIV

The Rains Came Down and the Floods Came Up...

We praise God for the rain as we sweep it out of the kitchen, bedrooms, hallways, living room, school area, etc. It has been a relatively dry season, so we are thankful for this weather in order to fill our cistern for the dry season. We are also grateful knowing how desperately the rain is needed by farmers in the area and what a blessing the rain is for all the families in need of water for their daily survival.

It's simple things like this that we really don't spend much time contemplating in the USA. We turn the faucet on and water comes out. This past year, we learned how to ration: ration food, ration water, ration soap, ration clothing, actually ration just about everything. As our kids haul buckets of water up the stairs and occasionally complain about the entire process (the work involved), we discuss the blessing of being able to haul water from downstairs in our compound compared to the bulk of the population that hauls water from the riverbed.

We are blessed to have the ability to catch rain water and store it in this huge cistern that is basically the whole bottom part of our house. Water is a precious commodity in Haiti and throughout the world. The other day, we drove into Port au Prince to get some supplies. As we passed some kids on the street, some of the street children were bathing in a puddle in the middle of town. These children don't have the opportunity to bath except for the puddles in the streets here and there.

The sad part of this familiar scene is the consequences of bathing in dirty water and especially in drinking that same dirty water. Many years ago on one of my earlier trips to Haiti, we arranged a two week trip in the middle of July. It was hot (something like 114 degrees). We were tired and dirty. It was a long and challenging trip for a range of reasons. We went to the countryside for the day and saw a bunch of kids running naked towards the river. A few less intelligent team members (including myself) basically said....ugh....I don't care what happens to me at this point and waded into the river just a little bit with the kids. Boy, did I live to regret that spur of the moment decision. Giardia is a miserable thing to have~ especially on the plane ride home.

Thankfully we all recovered and lived to serve another day. Hopefully we learned a few things about the importance of clean water. And hopefully we learned to be thankful for the many blessings that we take for granted on a daily basis. We pray for appreciation in all that the Lord provides us in due season.... 

"Then I will give you rain in due season, 

and the land shall yield her increase, 

and the trees of the field shall yield their fruit" 

Leviticus 26:4

5 Easy Ways to Help Transitions with our Adopted Kids

It's the beginning of a new school year. This is a wonderful, exciting, and often stressful time of year! I've seen various posts on FB that show families struggling during this transition time. I thought I would type out a few things that have helped our family over the years with transitions for our kiddos. 

1.    Develop a Plan as a Family in Advance

-Who is doing what ? Leading to car, getting lunches, setting timer, etc. Make it exciting to have a specific role and make sure everyone has a role. We've had different vests people wear for example: mailman (paperwork patrol) police officer (line leader), nurse (health and wellbeing- gets lunch or bandaids if necessary), etc. Have a way to assign the roles in advance

-Who is sitting where? Are their assigned seats, designated days, etc. Decide these things in advance and have the children make the plan in advance. This way it is not your problem. Compliance will increase drastically when it is their plan, not your own. Re-negotiate the plan at family meetings instead of in the moment (some negotiating is ok in the moment, but be careful to not get sucked into a debate)

-   Set a time for adaption of the family plan: what’s working, what isn’t working, how we can tweak the plan (recommended at least weekly)

                 

2.   Transition Objects 

                    *Remember*

-  Hydration- Are there water bottles in the car? Have we designated whose water bottle is where? Have we designed who passes out the waterbottles? Have we practiced our response when someone hands us a waterbottle? Have we practiced our response if someone hands us the wrong water bottle? Is there some sort of recognition is place for appropriate responses?

-  Nutrition- Do we have a range of nutritious snacks? Have we explored what kinds of snacks are beneficial and for which of our kids? Sweet, sour, salty, etc? Different snacks can produce different results. Is there a plan on how these are distributed? Again, their plan vs. your own produces better results, but have a plan in advance and be prepared for the child to try to change the plan midstream. Have a response handy such as "Yes, let's work on getting different snacks. That's a great idea! Can you write that on a note for mom and bring it up at the meeting on Friday?"

-   Sensory- What calms our child? Weighted blankets? Neck pillows? Calming music? Lotion or hand sanitizer? What smells calm? Think about gum chewing during transitions. Figure out a plan and use consistency once you have a working plan.

- Are there certain objects that are set aside for certain times of day? Quiet boxes are a good option (plastic boxes filled with about 5-7 objects that they only get during that specific time.

3.  Mentally Prepare Yourself

-  Carry around those Kodak moments of joy with your kids- pictures of good times, smiling, laughing, etc.

-  Remind yourself of the things you like about each of your kids- Even if you have to tell yourself as you drive to pick them up. Rehearse these as you are on your way to pick up your kids.

-     Reward yourself for keeping your cool (maintaining regulation).  Short, simple, and frequent rewards are best- even for us grown people. Put a sticker on a chart in the car. Even tell your kids, at every stop light, mom is putting a sticker on the chart when I am calm and nice to everyone. When mom gets x number of stickers I am going to buy myself a mocha at starbucks.

- Show your kids that you need practice and rewards too!

      4. Develop your Backup Plan

This is even more important at times than plan A

- What is the plan if things do not go as planned?

- Anticipate how your well laid plans may get off track (sabotaged by the sweet cherubs). What will your response be? Do you have a plan to re-direct before you are entirely off track?

-What is your exit strategy? Can you skip dance? Do you have extra clothes in the car? Do you have backup re-enforcements in line?

- Journal throughout the day. Look for patterns. What may be triggering the kids and derailing the plan? What might be triggering you? Have others review the journal. It’s harder to see when we’re in the middle of it. What happened one hour before, 2 hours before, 2 days before? There really are patterns typically, even if things appear to come out of the blue. We just need to become a better detective and uncover them.

    

                    5.  Simplify & Lower the Bar 

-    Limit outside activities during transitions in life (beginning of school year, birthdays, moving to new home, meeting with birth family, etc)

-     Remember- it is not unreasonable to take 4-5 years off your child’s chronological age. What would you expect from a 4 year old vs an 8 year old? What would your plan be for a 4 year old? Adjust your expectations in your mind, especially during transitions.

-    Praise when they reach the lowered bar and VERY gradually raise the bar only when success is achieved. Think about visual, verbal, tactile in how we praise. Try to praise in all of these ways (helping them hear praise in various ways, helping them see praise in various ways such as note cards, stickers that say good job covering a wall or doorway, helping them feel praise such as a hug, rub on the back, good job toys/objects that they can squeeze)


Be easy on yourself and remember that tomorrow is a new day!