5 Easy Ways to Help Transitions with our Adopted Kids

It's the beginning of a new school year. This is a wonderful, exciting, and often stressful time of year! I've seen various posts on FB that show families struggling during this transition time. I thought I would type out a few things that have helped our family over the years with transitions for our kiddos. 

1.    Develop a Plan as a Family in Advance

-Who is doing what ? Leading to car, getting lunches, setting timer, etc. Make it exciting to have a specific role and make sure everyone has a role. We've had different vests people wear for example: mailman (paperwork patrol) police officer (line leader), nurse (health and wellbeing- gets lunch or bandaids if necessary), etc. Have a way to assign the roles in advance

-Who is sitting where? Are their assigned seats, designated days, etc. Decide these things in advance and have the children make the plan in advance. This way it is not your problem. Compliance will increase drastically when it is their plan, not your own. Re-negotiate the plan at family meetings instead of in the moment (some negotiating is ok in the moment, but be careful to not get sucked into a debate)

-   Set a time for adaption of the family plan: what’s working, what isn’t working, how we can tweak the plan (recommended at least weekly)

                 

2.   Transition Objects 

                    *Remember*

-  Hydration- Are there water bottles in the car? Have we designated whose water bottle is where? Have we designed who passes out the waterbottles? Have we practiced our response when someone hands us a waterbottle? Have we practiced our response if someone hands us the wrong water bottle? Is there some sort of recognition is place for appropriate responses?

-  Nutrition- Do we have a range of nutritious snacks? Have we explored what kinds of snacks are beneficial and for which of our kids? Sweet, sour, salty, etc? Different snacks can produce different results. Is there a plan on how these are distributed? Again, their plan vs. your own produces better results, but have a plan in advance and be prepared for the child to try to change the plan midstream. Have a response handy such as "Yes, let's work on getting different snacks. That's a great idea! Can you write that on a note for mom and bring it up at the meeting on Friday?"

-   Sensory- What calms our child? Weighted blankets? Neck pillows? Calming music? Lotion or hand sanitizer? What smells calm? Think about gum chewing during transitions. Figure out a plan and use consistency once you have a working plan.

- Are there certain objects that are set aside for certain times of day? Quiet boxes are a good option (plastic boxes filled with about 5-7 objects that they only get during that specific time.

3.  Mentally Prepare Yourself

-  Carry around those Kodak moments of joy with your kids- pictures of good times, smiling, laughing, etc.

-  Remind yourself of the things you like about each of your kids- Even if you have to tell yourself as you drive to pick them up. Rehearse these as you are on your way to pick up your kids.

-     Reward yourself for keeping your cool (maintaining regulation).  Short, simple, and frequent rewards are best- even for us grown people. Put a sticker on a chart in the car. Even tell your kids, at every stop light, mom is putting a sticker on the chart when I am calm and nice to everyone. When mom gets x number of stickers I am going to buy myself a mocha at starbucks.

- Show your kids that you need practice and rewards too!

      4. Develop your Backup Plan

This is even more important at times than plan A

- What is the plan if things do not go as planned?

- Anticipate how your well laid plans may get off track (sabotaged by the sweet cherubs). What will your response be? Do you have a plan to re-direct before you are entirely off track?

-What is your exit strategy? Can you skip dance? Do you have extra clothes in the car? Do you have backup re-enforcements in line?

- Journal throughout the day. Look for patterns. What may be triggering the kids and derailing the plan? What might be triggering you? Have others review the journal. It’s harder to see when we’re in the middle of it. What happened one hour before, 2 hours before, 2 days before? There really are patterns typically, even if things appear to come out of the blue. We just need to become a better detective and uncover them.

    

                    5.  Simplify & Lower the Bar 

-    Limit outside activities during transitions in life (beginning of school year, birthdays, moving to new home, meeting with birth family, etc)

-     Remember- it is not unreasonable to take 4-5 years off your child’s chronological age. What would you expect from a 4 year old vs an 8 year old? What would your plan be for a 4 year old? Adjust your expectations in your mind, especially during transitions.

-    Praise when they reach the lowered bar and VERY gradually raise the bar only when success is achieved. Think about visual, verbal, tactile in how we praise. Try to praise in all of these ways (helping them hear praise in various ways, helping them see praise in various ways such as note cards, stickers that say good job covering a wall or doorway, helping them feel praise such as a hug, rub on the back, good job toys/objects that they can squeeze)


Be easy on yourself and remember that tomorrow is a new day!