I have the great privilege of being a part of various online support groups and forums for a range of reasons. For many years, I never joined any of these groups. I really thought I could "go it alone" and I guess I thought that if I kept trudging along, reading my Bible, praying, and turning everything over to the Lord, eventually I would be fine. As a mental health professional, I should know better. In fact, I do know better, but it's kinda like a mechanic that has a broken down car. They "know" how to fix cars. They simply overlook their own. We can (and should) pray over our broken down vehicle and we certainly did this enough with our RV on the big road trip, but God may also ask us to use various tools and resources (such as duct tape) to correct the broken radiator hose. It's the same with loss and grief. We need to turn over our worries and grief to the Lord, but we also need to consider the resources available to help us through that process. Support groups (whether online or in person) can be a part of this process.
Over the years though, I have gotten better at this process of healing. There were some key moments in my life where the Lord pulled me to my knees and forced me to deal with some of my past junk. It is a continual process, but I am thankful the Lord at least stopped me from just trudging along and forced me to really work on some things in my history. Some of this past junk/trauma was unresolved loss of children. Many people know that we have 14 children (living on this earth), but not as many people realize that we also have 12 children waiting for us in heaven.
As I read though various "survivor" groups, I feel compassion for those fresh with loss and grief. I know that it is a difficult road to be on. I've traveled down it before, but my situation will never compare to any one else's. Everyone has their own unique experience. I feel for those going down this road of pain.
I wonder also about the survivor statement that often comes after a close call with death or even after the loss of loved one. People will tell us that we survived. Maybe we survived a life threatening disease or survived a traumatic pregnancy or survived a car accident. Maybe others during the event are not viewed as being so lucky. We may be told "at least you have other children" or "at least you made it" or "at least you never brought them home" in the midst of grieving the loss of our child/ren. We may be left with permanent damage to our physical body and certainly permanent damage emotionally, but at least we survived! We are then told that we should be thankful. For those attempting to help a loved one through loss and grief, please be cautious of saying these things. I know the intention is good, but it minimizes the current pain we feel.
The world will say that I am a survivor of HELLP syndrome. My daughter is a survivor of HELLP. Both of us came very close to death, yet we survived. The world may say: I am a survivor of miscarriage. I am a survivor of premature birth. I am a survivor of a late-term miscarriage. I am a survivor of rape. I am a survivor of unfulfilled adoption. I am a survivor of "failed" adoption and on and on..... But, I will tell you as a person that has gone through a bit of grief, loss, and pain in this area, it does not always feel like we are this incredible survivor. Even if the end result is a child living on this earth, it does not always or even often feel like we survived. It feels like we were run through a paper shredder and then pasted back together on the other side.
Or actually, it feels more like we were run through a meat grinder and then put together into a hamburger patty on the other side. We've been pieced back together only to then be tossed into a frying pan and cooked for a while. Then, after just getting used to the pain of cooking in the frying pan, we are tossed over onto the other side. We then feel once again the sting of pain from being singed by the fire. This pain often comes through well meaning comments.
The battle scars that come with going through traumatic events in life do make us stronger, but they also leave us broken and in need of a savior. We are not survivors. Survivors (to me) are those that finish the race. We're more like warriors that have been transformed through Christ into a new creation, but we are still in the midst of the battle. Sometimes the battle in intense and feels just like it did 20+ years ago and other times the battle is distant. There may be residual effects from minor scirmishes that continue to this day.
I do know though: We will never be the same person. The person we were before the trauma or loss goes away and we become a new person. We have new eyes to see the world and an entirely different brain to process events that take place around us. We have to learn to love this new person and take care of this new person. We also have to grieve the loss of the person we once were. We will never be the same and that's ok. We can take this new person and allow the Lord to work everything for good or we can fight against this new person and limit the Lord's work in our lives. It's ok either way. The Lord will be there waiting for us when we are ready. I have imagined the Lord looking down on me over the years with tears in His eyes and sadness on His face saying, "Sweetie. Just let me carry you and it will be ok", but there were times in my life where I refused and carried myself instead. The pain will still exist, but the Lord will carry us through if only we let Him.
In some ways, I think my babies and children in heaven are the survivors. They have reached the place where there is no pain. They have crossed the finish line and are resting with Him. When we reach that place and join them in heaven, it will be a glorious day! But until that time comes, I like to think they are looking down upon us and cheering us on as we run the race......
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