This is HARD: Why Being a Missionary is Tough Stuff

Yes, this is hard.

I want to be able to say to people that being a missionary is amazing. People ask me how things are going and I say, "Good! Great! We're doing really well" and for the most part, this is actually true. We are doing well overall. Being a "missionary" is not really the hard part. There are so many other hard parts that I don't even know where to begin.

First, I want to emphasize that we do not doubt the Lord's calling for us to serve in Haiti. I am so thankful that even through the ups and downs we still feel confident that we are EXACTLY where the Lord wants us to be.

Has it been easy? Absolutely not! I don't think I've cried so much in my entire life. For those that know me, they will say this is a rare thing. I'm not a particularly mushy person. I've been through some tough stuff in my 42 years. Nothing has quite brought me to my knees as quickly as the mission field has. But, I guess that's really the point isn't it? To our knees is where the Lord calls us to be.

Still....it's not really fun when it feels like we've been shoved down against our will. Yes, I know we signed up for this, but somehow it seems like I wasn't quite aware of what I was raising my hand for. I think many of us feel this same way about adoption. If we had known all the details in advance, there is likely no way we would have raised our hand for some of this stuff.

I find myself in this humbling position once again: knowing the Lord called us to HARD, but not feeling entirely prepared for it. I will admit that there has been more then one moment where I have felt like saying to the Lord, "Really? Haven't we learned this already?" Or even "Haven't I suffered enough?" But then I realize, I'm not suffering to the degree so many people all over the world suffer daily. I tell myself to pull up my big girl pants and stop whining and then it seems like one more thing happens again.

I will outline some of the HARD things and no, it's not been the lack of amenities, reduced creature comforts, the instability/danger in the country, or even the lack of $$ that really has thrown us for a loop.

The primary HARD that I struggle with is the lack of Control.

I have a type A personality. I am relatively quiet and regulated, but I am also aggressive by nature. This means I lean towards being a control freak. I certainly can roll with the unexpected and I tend to thrive under pressure, but I have an underlying controlling nature. This is partly why I tend to be in leadership, management, director, or owner positions. I will be the first to admit that I am not a good employee. I know this about myself. I continue to work on it. The Lord has really worked in me over the years to correct some of my spunkiness. I am a work in progress! I am told I am softer then I used to be. Still...I'm hardly a pushover. I can be pushed some, but likely sooner vs later I will push back.

Now enter the mission field and boy have we been pushed. There was so much pushing going on from multiple directions that I began to feel quite bruised. The pushing that was happening to our kids was probably the hardest to take. It's tough to see your kids pushed to the ground in various ways. I'm not going to expand on the details in this particular post, but I will say we were not prepared for the kind of attacks that would come our way in regard to our kids, in regard to homeschooling, in regard to adoption, and in regard to a range of things that I suppose we should have expected, but weren't entirely prepared for.

We are a unique bunch. There are all kinds of opinions floating around about the fact that we do have so many children. For the most part, people are incredibly accepting. But....believe it or not, we are not always accepted. Generally speaking, I think we simply confuse people. There is the idea that we already have our mission field with so many kids. Why would we then proceed to do our children the injustice of bringing them "back" to Haiti? All I can say about this is GRRR..... (I try to not literally say that and instead explain how the Lord has called us) as they walk away in confusion shaking their heads.

I had heard that attacks would come from where we least expect it. I was even told those attacks would likely come from other believers. I took that information and stored it in my brain, but I had no idea how true this would be! I had no idea how HARD this would be. I do not even know how to describe what we have experienced except to say it was and still is to some extent incredibly painful.

But the Lord has been there with us and has made it abundantly clear that some changes needed to be made for the welfare of our entire family. It has been a really good, but change is hard. I am amazed by the doors that have been opened and how clear the Lord made many of the details. On the other hand, we can feel pulled in multiple directions when we move into the realm of Plan B and Plan C. There is a ton of pressure to know exactly what we are doing, but I will be incredibly honest in saying that I do not know "exactly" what the Lord has in store for us. We simply take one step forward in confidence that we are walking with the Lord. It can seem like a long winding road with no end in sight. We do not know exactly how it all works out, but that's the incredible thing about the Lord: He asks us to step out in faith. Where would faith come in if everything was clearly outlined before us? 

So, what happens when multiple elements come at us that are out of our control? For us personally, sometimes we have allowed fear to creep in. As many of you know, I'm not a particularly fearful person. It has even been pointed out to me by my oldest son that nothing scares me. Hmm....maybe I put up a good front or simply maybe less scares me the older I get. The longer I have been walking with the Lord, the less I am afraid of details and people, and the more I am afraid of not following the Lord or hearing the Lord clearly.

"You shall walk after Jehovah your God, 

and you shall fear Him. And you shall keep His commandments, 

and you shall hear His voice, and you shall serve Him, 

and you shall cleave to Him." ~Deuteronomy 13:4

In this whole journey, somehow I have found myself captured by fear. This is unique to me. I do not generally have fear of danger around us even though people are being pulled out of vehicles at gunpoint and robberies and unrest surround us. The primary fear that holds me, is the fear of not being there. I know this involves me questioning God's plan or maybe me questioning hearing God's plan accurately. Does God really want me to leave my aging mother in the USA to serve in another country? And then I am reminded by scripture:

"And everyone who has left houses 

or brothers or sisters or father or mother 

or wife or children or fields 

for my sake will receive a hundred times as much 

and will inherit eternal life"~Matthew 19:29

So, we are actually called to leave? hmm...This is tough stuff to wrap our minds around. And then in Luke, Jesus outlines The Cost of Following Jesus:

"As they were walking along the road, a man said to him, 

I will follow you wherever you go." Jesus replied, 

"Foxes have dens and birds have nests, 

but the Son of Man has no place to lay his head." 

He said to another man, "Follow me." But he replied, 

"Lord, first let me go and bury my father." Jesus said to him, 

"Let the dead bury their own dead, 

but you go and proclaim the kingdom of God."  

Still another said, "I will follow you, Lord:

but first let me go back and say goodbye to my family." 

Jesus replied, "No one who puts a hand to the plow 

and looks back is fit for service in the kingdom of God." ~Luke 9:57-62

Wow! This is tough stuff. Knowing it and believing it, is entirely different then the reality of living it. Leaving others that we love behind is one of the hardest things in our walk with the Lord.

I was in Atlanta a few weeks ago and could not return to Haiti for quite a few days due to the unrest. The family was "safe" but I could not get to them. This is a humbling experience and really showed me how much faith I was placing in things I could control instead of elements in God's control. I took comfort in the fact that I was just a plane ride away the same as we may place comfort if we are in the same state, same city, or 10 minutes away even though most accidents happen within a mile of our home. Thankfully, we had many prayer warriors praying for us during this process and I did eventually get home safely.

But then the fear crept in again. This time, it was the fear that I wouldn't be in the States. I realized clearly that I had not fully "left others behind" when I went to serve the Lord.  I came back to Oregon after 6 months and visited my aunt who is in a care center, my mom who was also under full time care, and my grown children (one of whom is developmentally delayed and autistic). Thoughts were drifting through my mind: What if I wasn't there when my mother passed away? She looked much older than when I saw her six months before. And what about Phuong? Yes, she wanted to be in the States and our oldest son was doing a good job caring for her, but it was like leaving our 7 year old behind even though she was 20 years old. Somehow leaving elderly and children behind was a tougher reality to me then leaving grown children, family members, and friends that could provide for themselves. It probably didn't help that Phuong cried each time we left. That ripped me up....

Releasing our grown children is tough. Leaving mother and children to serve is tough stuff, but it is what we are called to do. God has called us to move forward, looking ahead to what He has called us to instead of looking behind to the things that He has handled. Trusting in Him that He has it all covered is HARD! After writing this, the fear of not being there did in fact happen. My mom passed away the day after I returned to Haiti. My oldest son was there and Phuong was was there. She died in the front yard. Joseph had to call 911. He did CPR on Grandma Mei Mei. The paramedics tried to revive her, but determined it was too late as they were taking her to the ambulance. I was on the phone with the paramedics as they were trying to revive her. After 15 minutes, they called her time of death.

Two weeks later, it's still a surreal feeling: being an orphan. Not having either of your parents on this earth. I know I will see my mother again in heaven someday, but it is one of those things that I don't think you are ever prepared for. 

I realize logically there is nothing I could have done had I been there. Joseph did an amazing job being there for Grandma. He also did the best he could to protect Phuong from witnessing Grandma's death. When she stopped breathing, he was able to have Phuong go downstairs and listen to music and not really see the whole ordeal.

Throughout it all, we can see the Lord's hand in this process. I am thankful I was able to see my mom one last time. She passed away on Wednesday, March 4th. I bathed her and sat with her the Monday before she died. For those that do not know, we had been caring for my mom for many, many years. She never fully recovered from battling breast cancer 15 years ago. Her continual health struggles was one of the main reasons we did not go on the mission field sooner. Eventually, the Lord gave us peace about moving to Haiti and looking forward instead of looking behind. He gave us peace that she was in God's hands, not our own. She was in fact, a missionary kid herself. Her parents had left others behind in order to serve the Lord in China. Our oldest son Joseph had been caring for grandma for the past 8 years. Our incredible friend Brenda had been coming in and bathing her twice a week and faithfully taking her to the senior center over the years. She really was in good hands and I know it gave her peace to know that we were following in her parents footsteps and especially that we were following our calling to serve the Lord.

My mom will be greatly missed, but I am thankful she is now resting with the Lord in heaven. She was ready to go home. I had not seen her since August. It was like she was waiting to see me before she passed away. I was blessed by the ability to return to Oregon and then was blessed by the ability to return to the family when the news came. I was able to see my family and be there with them when they were processing the loss of grandma. I was able to hug Baby before leaving again (this would be our miracle Naomi who really at almost 5 years old should not be called "Baby", but she is likely our last baby and relishes the role of the youngest). I think back on my grandparents and the sacrifices they made. Each of them did not hear of their parents death until weeks or even months later. There was no option for them to return. They came back every seven years, literally on a slow boat from China, zigzagging across the ocean in order to avoid missiles during WWII.

Our great friends the LaTrays were able to stream the memorial service into Haiti.  Ron and the kids, were able to watch the service. I was able to catch the first flight out of the country. After a grueling 27 hours, I made it back to Oregon safely. My cousins Jennie and Dan hired a camera person to document the service. They had offered to try to fly Ron in, but it was more then just finances to get him to the states. With some of the unrest, I think it would have been harder to have him Stateside than having him in Haiti with the bulk of the family.

Reverend Cloyse Drake, who is the pastor that married Ron and I and also officiated my dad's funeral was able to serve at my mom's memorial service. My aunt Esther came out from Indiana and my cousin Amelia and her family flew up from California. My mom's oldest sister was also able to watch the memorial online, since her health is not very good to travel. Technology today is simply amazing! Ron's sister Richelle and her daughter Jamie literally dropped everything to help out. My sister did an incredible job with the brochure for the service. All of our grown kids in the states were able to make it to the service. Joseph has been a rock, but please pray for him! Joseph has been caring for grandma "mei mei" for the past 8+ years.

Thank you to everyone who has supported us through this loss. Your prayers are greatly appreciated! I'll attach the 7 minute video highlight of the service:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DNTl0j1ioCA&feature=youtu.be