Today I'm the Bug

I'm back in Oregon due to my mother's death. Although my mother was in poor heath for many years and battled breast cancer for 15 years, it's still a shock. Some things you are simply never ready for.

I felt the need to get a break from all the details and somehow got it in my mind that I would get my bike out and ride around a little bit. As some of you know, I had an accident years ago where I was hit by a drunk driver in a 4x4 truck while riding my bike. Ever since that unfortunate event, the bike and I have had somewhat of a love/hate relationship. I love the "idea" of riding, but I hate the reality of fear and anxiety that often creeps up in me when cars are zooming by. It's kinda an odd thing since I've been through many more significant traumatic events in my life that haven't had near the impact. There was something about being hit from behind and not being in control that really did a number on me.

Anyway.....I told myself to get over it already. It happened over 5 years ago. You are in fact a "trauma specialist".  Do some prolonged exposure and get back on the bike. So...I started searching around for my shoes, which were no where to be found. My husband sent a message saying maybe they were behind the door in the old room. Hmm...searched there. Searched everywhere. I was about ready to give up and then I moved a pile of junk and found the old box that I actually purchased the shoes in. Low and behold the shoes were inside the box. So, I had my shoes.  I put on my running pants. My padded butt pants were ripped off in the accident, but I didn't suppose I was going to ride for very long anyway. I grabbed a jacket, my license, and a credit card just in case I had to stop and pay for something. I had it in my mind I would go to the funeral home to pick up the death certificate.

BUT.....for some reason I hadn't thought about the fact that the bike had been sitting in the garage for years and the tires were flat. That's ok. My oldest son Joseph said he could help blow up the tires with the air compressor. So, we went out to the garage confident that we could tackle this small task. It didn't quite work that way. After messing around with the little valve, we couldn't get it to work. I tried to make some calls into Haiti, which further frustrated me because I couldn't get through with the poor internet connection we have been experiencing lately. But, when I was about to give up, I received a text from my husband explaining the catch on how to blow up the lovely tires.

We put some air in the tires and really had no idea what we were doing. This hadn't historically been my "job" back in the day when I attempted to be a bike rider. I just thought we could pump them up as much as possible and stop before we thought they would pop. Then, on second thought, we let some of the air out, for fear maybe they would pop as I was riding down the road.

So, armed with just about nothing. I started to get on the bike. I kept thinking.....something isn't right. I think I'm missing something. I was patting my butt thinking it must be the padding that I think I'm missing, but I've put on weight since I rode last, so I should be fine. Then I realized, didn't I used to ride with a helmet? hmm...might be a good idea. In fact, I think it may actually be a law or guideline or something that people actually follow in Oregon compared to Haiti where laws are kinda more like suggestions.

But...I had no idea where the helmet was. Joseph thought they were under the lean-to in the backyard, so I went back there and did in fact find two helmets. Geez....we have 14 kids and there are 2 helmets left? That's good at least. It means maybe we got rid of some junk before we moved to Haiti. There was one that was a pink toddler helmet that I didn't think would quite fit on my big head. The other looked ok, so I dusted the cobwebs off of it and strapped it on my head.

During the whole event of getting ready for the bike ride, I had many moments of thinking I should simply go back inside and eat a gallon of ice cream on the couch. But...I pushed through and told myself that it would be quite healthy to get out there in the sun and cold during this whole ordeal of my mother's death. I hopped on the bike and began down the road. I was actually feeling quite good. I passed my mom's old house (she originally lived 4 houses from us when we began caring for her many years ago). Later, she moved into the "big house" where I grew up and where the rest of us lived for years. I felt ok about passing the house. I had good memories of the many times I either ran or rode by the house and would stop in and see her. This was back in the day when I was halfway motivated to get in shape and could only force myself to do that by signing up for a marathon or the Seattle to Portland bike event.

Unfortunately, the injury happened before I ever was able to participate in the STP. It's still lingering in the back of my mind that maybe someday I may do that or a triathlon or some such thing.  Anyway...I was riding and breathing and not crying, so I felt like that was a success. Somehow that success was too good to be true. I had noticed on the short one block excursion that it must be garbage day. There's all kinds of garbage cans and yard debris bins on the sidewalks. Some of them were actually partially in the street. As I was riding by, one green garbage can started sliding out in front of me. I actually thought, "Really, Lord. Really?" It wasn't a very God honoring moment. I was having a hard enough time staying up let alone dodging objects coming my way.

But...I missed the rolling green can only to hit the curb with my wheel. That was ok. It was a close call. The stupid part was that I completely forgot that my feet were clipped in on the bike. I went to put my foot down and crashed to the ground. ugh...ugh...ugh..

I felt like Joseph two days ago: going though the motions only to realize that I had forgotten an important element in the process. He's been caring for my mom, his grandma mei mei, for the past 8 years. He got up to fix her oatmeal and realized while he was walking to her room that she wasn't there anymore. hmm....This is sad stuff. I remember after my dad died that there were many times that I would think about picking up the phone and calling him or telling him something only to realize that I could no longer do that.

There were some teenage kids walking by as well as some construction people that tried to be compassionate in the whole me-falling-on-my-face incident. Somehow it made it worse that there was an audience to my stupidity, but nothing was really damaged in the process except my ego.

I picked myself up and went around the block. I got to Glencoe Road and turned back toward the house. The whole time I felt like I had the angel and the devil sitting on each shoulder. One was telling me to just go back to the house. You gave it a good try. You're 40 something years old. Your mom just died. Just GO HOME. The other was telling me to buck up and accomplish your task. By this point I felt the tears and that made me even more frustrated with myself. I've been an off-and-on water faucet since I heard the news. Actually, it was that way even before I heard the news. I had started a post about that before my mom even died. Maybe I'll get back to that post about conflicted feelings in the near future.

As many of you know, I'm a stubborn person. I'm ultra aggressive. Possibly a bit on the obsessive compulsive side. There was no way I was going to go home and sit there and cry and eat bon bons. I sucked it up and rode past the house towards the funeral home. The rest of the ride was pretty uneventful. There were some trucks that passed me, but I didn't flip out and get off the bike. There were times where I used to have full blown panic attacks when a truck would pass by me. Maybe I'm low enough that my life or death really isn't entering my mind today. Either way, it was a blessing that I felt ok.

I picked up the death certificate and road my little behind home. Ok...maybe I wasn't the bug. It's kinda a toss up on whether I was the windshield or the bug today. I'll say I was actually the windshield because even though I have felt squashed on that ride and within the past few days, I'm still moving along.

I appreciate everyone's thoughts and prayers through this process!