Stronger Through Weakness…

This is a post that I have been thinking about for a while. I struggle between being blatantly honest/depressing and being upbeat/optimistic about life on the mission field. To be honest, I have never been a very optimistic person. I lean more towards being a pessimist. In fact, the adoption agency we were with for so many years would always refer people to us saying, “Yes, let them talk to the Sheppards. That happened to them in their adoption”. If it was going to happen, it would happen to us.  I have often felt like I live an Eeyore life. The cloud of rain follows over my head regardless of where I go. 
 

BUT…this mentality is not very hopeful for support raising. You can't really say, "Hey, please help us live on the mission field. It is hopeless and discouraging, but please send some money." Nobody wants to hear, "Oh yes, this really, really sucks". It is not a positive thing to say to supporters, "We start projects with high hopes, but many of them are not completed". We continue to bash our heads against the wall, but yes, God is good. 

And in reality, I do actually believe that God is good in spite of it all. Projects not completed are not necessarily failure, but simply a change in plans that increases our perseverance and determination. BUT most of us are very result driven. "I" am absolutely result driven. I have a type A personality (in case people have not noticed). People want to hear that homes have been built, children survived, and progress continues to be made. "I" want to hear and see those things as well. This is especially true when there has been so much media presented about how various organizations did essentially nothing in Haiti with millions of dollars in support money. For me, I feel incredibly bad when even $25 or $50 goes to waste over some really stupid error. I want every penny accounted for. I want transparency for supporters. It’s incredibly disappointing to tell people that there are more people we DON’T help than those that we DO. There is more LOSS than there is GAIN. There is more PAIN than there is JOY. 

We need your prayers. This is HARD. We have had hard in our lives for many, many years. We have had a child go through chemotherapy. We have children that have moved on to be with the Lord. Our life has been complex and heartbreaking to say the least. And then came Haiti or more precisely, the mission field. The first year was one of the hardest years of our lives. It stretched us like no other experience. It continues to stretch us.

We are now three and a half years in. Ron and I both lost our mothers since we moved to Haiti. My mom passed away over a year ago. Ron’s mother just a couple of months ago. Being out of the country for some of these enormous life events has been brutal. Having grown children in the States while we are here has been difficult. Having our 22 year old daughter who is autistic and developmentally delayed living in the States while we are here has been heartbreaking. On the other hand, we have seen the Lord work through all of these details. I--for one--can't imagine living back in the States. 

We are finally moving into the "long-term missionary" mindset where we are at home on the field and no longer longing so much for things in the States. But the "home" that we have here in Haiti is rough. The life that we lead is still challenging. And I even hate to say this because I know "in comparison" we have it very good. How can I be whining and complaining about hot water and the whole dryer drama (which broke...poor Linda), when we do have a home and food and clean water? Most of the population has virtually nothing here.

There is a reason though that many missionaries or expats do not stay here in Haiti. We see so much loss not only in the communities we serve, but also within the expat community. There are many families that move in and less than 6 months later they are gone. Very few families stay beyond two years and even fewer stay beyond three years. Much of this could have to do with the whole "hope deferred" feeling.

We come with so much hope in this calling we have to serve the Lord. Maybe we are flexible. Hopefully we are flexible. We think we are going to plant a seed and things will grow (in a range of ways). But...often what happens is we keep planting seeds, but we aren't seeing any fruits of our labor. In fact, we are seeing just the opposite of that. We come with this longing and little by little that longing begins to fade. That hope that we had also begins to fade and in it's wake is tremendous heartbreak.

I have this necklace that I wear continually that says "Hope" on one side and "Espwa" on the other. I hold onto it every single day. I pray to the Lord that He will direct my hope in the Lord instead of building my hope in projects, or success, or things of people. This "hope deferred" is one of the most challenging aspect of living on the mission field. To me, it feels like this residual sadness that lingers over. But again....that could simply be my Eeyore mentality.

God is really doing something internally in me. I can't say that it is something that I particularly like. People that know me well have seen a different me and that has concerned them. My kids have seen a different me and that has concerned them. For quite a while, I have been saying I really need to "get a handle" on this and snap out of it. I'm a therapist for God's sake. I teach and counsel people on mental health and wellness and here I am blubbering half the day long (well...not exactly half the day, but more than is normal for me). It has finally dawned on me that this is not necessarily a "bad" thing. Being "Strong Linda" is maybe not where the Lord wants me. I believe God is making me stronger through weakness. For those of you that know me, I'm a pretty tough person. I'm not very emotional and tend to internalize and push through tough things. I tend to carry the weight of many things. For many years, I took that role in stride. Adopt a child- sure. How about adopt 12. Adopt a healthy child- sure how about children with heart conditions, and sickle cell, and cerebral palsy, and autism, and sexual abuse, and trauma histories, and chronic medical conditions, and fetal alcohol, and prenatal drug exposure, and microcephalus, and on and on...

OUR FAMILY

 Where is this person that took all of these things in stride? Now though, I am not exactly "taking it in stride" and I am finally realizing that this is a good thing. The type of things that I have seen here and the type of volunteer work that I do is beginning to wear on me emotionally, but it should. Yes, I did tough stuff in the USA. The type of clients I saw in the States was sexual abuse, and court cases, and kids harming themselves--and other people--and families falling apart and, on and on... There is HARD everywhere. The USA is not immune to hard stuff.

The difference for me personally is probably that, although I went home to hard (raising 14 kids with most of them coming from hard places), I also lived in the USA and could pop in my car and drive through McDonald's for french fries (I cannot tell you how much I love McDonald's french fries) or get a mocha at Starbucks. Ron and I could go on date night to a movie each week and for the most part not have anxiety that we may get killed in a political riot. For the most part, we could walk into the grocery store without fear of being robbed. For certainty, we could park our car and not be swarmed by people begging for money. We also were not stopped by police and threatened.  We didn't have people extorting money from us. 

"View" from our Home

"Actual" view from our home....

We didn't live beyond barred walls and inside a compound with concrete walls and razor wire. We turned on a faucet and amazingly water came out- even hot water. We could go to the store and buy boxes of cereal for next to nothing and gallons of milk. Gosh, I miss a simple bowl of cereal and milk. Here, that would be $12-15 dollars and you'd then have to use boxed or powdered milk. Just FYI: If anyone travels to Haiti and brings me a box of Lucky Charms, I will love you forever!


But in all seriousness, I realize there is tremendous pain and suffering in the States. There is horrific pain and suffering worldwide regardless of financial status and resources. I know this and believe that the USA is probably one of the most--if not the very most--challenging mission field because so many people simply do not NEED the Lord. And that is exactly why it was "easier" in many ways to do what we did while living in the states. We had more of a break from the continual hard. It was not "in your face" continually ALL of the TIME..

It is hard to see pain and suffering. It is even harder to FEEL this pain and suffering. I am glad that I still feel pain and am not numb to suffering, but it is incredibly hard to see the worst come out in people when they are in survival mode. It is hard to see the enjoyment people can take with other people's suffering. I had seen people die before we moved here. I had even seen people killed. But I had never seen someone stoned to death. I had never seen gangs of people laughing at another person being strung up and beaten or killed by their community.

I had never seen my six year old visit American friends at the Baptist mission and hear her talk about this person that died, or that person that lost both of his arms, or this other person that was killed for stealing some bananas all in the same sentence as "Hey, can I have a sip of your coke". 

And I know many people that have lived here who have not seen these things. I have known many people that have done the two day hike to Jacmel and had an amazing experience with no trauma involved, but "somehow" many traumatic things seem to happen to us or in our presence. And this is what brings the Eeyore mentality. I feel like saying "Really God? Really?" We just thought we would walk from point A to point B and get out of the traumatic junk in the city, but we're in the middle of trauma anyway.

Even through all of this, our calling here has remained strong. Our "vision" on the other hand, of whatever it is we are doing here remains about as clear as mud. Other missionaries continually contact me and say, "Linda, do you every wonder what you are doing here?" and I say "yes, every single day". All that I know is that God called and we showed up. That is IT. What we are doing, well....I have no idea, to be honest.  It's like trying to hit a moving target.

I can outline a plan for you. I can say we have a vision of sustainability for two different villages we serve which includes discipleship, education, medical care, agriculture, and a whole range of things. I can say I promote mental health services in the Caribbean and Latin America. I can say I do trauma work and trauma training as well as supporting sustainability for missionaries not only in Haiti, but around the world. I can say I have more clients in other countries than I do in Haiti partially because most people (including missionaries) live in survival mode here and burn out and go back to the states in crisis.

I can say mission organizations for the most part also do not invest in sustainability for their missionaries--especially in Haiti. The organizations may be more likely to invest in a missionary in Africa or Asia because it is a much bigger deal financially and otherwise to get them to the field and to remove them from the field. Due to Haiti being so close to the USA, I think many things are overlooked in the "preparing missionaries" process. 

So....although we were not exactly prepared, "somehow" the Lord has covered the difference. We are here and we are staying for the foreseeable future. We appreciate your prayers! We appreciate your support! And we so appreciate the ability to be transparent without judgment! 

P.S. I HATE to ask for support, but if you do feel led to donate, we greatly appreciate any and all support. We now have the ability for people to set up monthly recurring donations.

https://www.worldoutreach.org/index.php/missionary-support-2